drawing up

drinking from the crystal cup of remembering
i am heaving against a long life of dissociation
the survival strategy of a savagely empathic child
working to reconnect the circuits of my heart and consciousness
so that the world
in all it's glory and horror
can flood in
and i can answer the calls that cry through my cells
with a true motion.

it's been a while.

i used to be awake in a way
of rage
in a way of anger and hatred
blame and poison
the love that had borne through the womb with me
was dissolved in a dejected sadness
by an awareness
that my youth could not cradle in options
and i painted my hardened shell with flat black and toxic red
daring anything to touch me
biting what did
though when i laid into the arms of love
i would lay so heavy and hard
that they would almost break
and need, to care for themselves,
eventually
to lay me down

and i would be broken again.

and when i had finally smashed all that life had offered to me
in a vituperative, impotent, self-righteous and lost rage
i sat in the wreckage
weeping
before i cast myself out to sea
looking for death to take me
or for life to breathe again within me.

yes.

i died.
and i rested in the other worlds of fusion
then i dreamt a new dream
and set forth to re-emerge into life.
i cooked and cultivated in the womb
and was born

and now i am me
a miraculous child of phenomenal wisdom
audacious
a bit naieve
a bit brilliant
a bit uncertain
and a bit hungry

at the threshold again
and wondering
but now i know not to be powered by thinking
or the workings of the mind
but rather
to be powered by the love of the heart
to be gracious with my pace and persistent with my considerations
until the fruit of their beauty can reveal itself to me
and i can walk a path laid out for my feet alone through these woods that i know so well.

reconnect the circuits
and let the passions of the world direct me towards my station in their complexity
how is the wisdom that i carry best employed in the world?
where can i best be of service, thriving and flourishing for the benefit of all?
how do i serve my wolf kin with the gifts of my dance and my voice?
how do i serve in shifting the consciousness of my human family so that they remember to love the earth
to love each other,
to love themselves?
this already i do, but in a one-on-one way which i love
but which i feel is not enough in this moment.
there is more
there is more
there is more
now is the time

time to go to the silence of the mountain.
to know in remembering
what the soul has coded itself to accomplish in this life.

silence. stillness. solitude.

yes.

i am born again.