seeded for something

brilliantly a half-moon lights the snow covered ground in blue
and the quiet winds of the high desert mountains are clarifying in that way that only sub-zero can be
there's a special beauty to a night tending the fire
nursing the tea-cup
and learning beautiful songs from cultures which i have never seen in this life
but whose tones and topographies i know in my bones

we have shifted on our axis again and the day lasted a light kiss longer
than the ones before
the arbitrary "5:30" of tonight san that brilliant cobalt still fading into the star-studded black
where yesterday it was "an hour" earlier.

i wouldn't know the difference for the clock
but i know the quickening of my blood towards the sun
and the emergence of my spirit from it's shell

i still yearn for the cave
but not in pain
for the pleasure
of simplicity.

this life is such an awesome and strange experience
of mediating the relationship between the terrestrial and the transcendent
they are the threads from which life is woven into a beautiful blanket
that becomes the heirloom passed in mythology
to the coming ones
and offered as an homage
to the ones already gone
it is the blanket i fold before the altar
to kneel on in prayer
it is the blanket i wrap this body in at night
for dreaming
it is the blanket that shelters me from the wind
the cold
the sun
and loneliness

i know i am god
i know i am beauty
i know i am horrible
i love it all
because i am the universe unfolding
dancing its miraculous dance with itself.

and none of it could be without my magic
and yours
through the window i hear coyote howling
and i hear them scatter as my feet touch the ground
they tease me
remembering what i have yet to learn
they remember for me
because we are one

the only reason the great glory of unity delineated
was to relate.

so here we go.

lift the anchor

i go to the well
draw up from its depths a blessd cup of rememberance
and pour its crystaline beauty into my carved cup
so that i may drink deep these replenishing waters
and be healed

i am well
i am wonder-filled
but i am not quite whole.
i feel that because i have touched god within
and i know what free love is, how it feels and that it's not always here
i have called back so much of my scattered soul
from the winds that have spread it far and wide
i have placed it all on a special altar that ebbs and flows into and out of this world
i have begun to sew it back together

and i am still sewing

these are new threads that i bind my being with now
and there are new parts
ancient
quarried from the same spirit land as the self that i have travelled thus far with
but shining differently

i giggle over these crystals like a child
or a crow
i am both

the aeon.

this world is a horrible wonder of beauty
and i am working to re-wire myself so that i can hold all of this dissonance
serve and relish
be angry without being destroyed
be joyous in full wisdom
find my teacher and streamline my education
so that i can become what i am in time for it's application

is every life this strange and wonderful?

i'm here in the world outside again.
you know what i mean. or you don't. that's fine.
i'm in council with the "rest" of creation, serving with the brilliance of my love-heart
and all my tools are to test now
and even this, just barely.
we ain't seen nothin' yet.
i had said, bring it on. i meant it when i said it.
now i say, wait just a moment. the moon is so heavy in me and my heart is learning a new language.
we're quick, but not immediate.
i just want to see the wolves before the wheel turns towards the underworld.
for just a while i want to live with them.
then i can live or die in peace.

so i set down my comforts now
and go to their homes
this human world is a second home for me.
and my first home
is an unknown terrain
whose contours call me in dreams

i am coming.
i am coming.
it may be a minute.
but i am coming.

drawing up

drinking from the crystal cup of remembering
i am heaving against a long life of dissociation
the survival strategy of a savagely empathic child
working to reconnect the circuits of my heart and consciousness
so that the world
in all it's glory and horror
can flood in
and i can answer the calls that cry through my cells
with a true motion.

it's been a while.

i used to be awake in a way
of rage
in a way of anger and hatred
blame and poison
the love that had borne through the womb with me
was dissolved in a dejected sadness
by an awareness
that my youth could not cradle in options
and i painted my hardened shell with flat black and toxic red
daring anything to touch me
biting what did
though when i laid into the arms of love
i would lay so heavy and hard
that they would almost break
and need, to care for themselves,
eventually
to lay me down

and i would be broken again.

and when i had finally smashed all that life had offered to me
in a vituperative, impotent, self-righteous and lost rage
i sat in the wreckage
weeping
before i cast myself out to sea
looking for death to take me
or for life to breathe again within me.

yes.

i died.
and i rested in the other worlds of fusion
then i dreamt a new dream
and set forth to re-emerge into life.
i cooked and cultivated in the womb
and was born

and now i am me
a miraculous child of phenomenal wisdom
audacious
a bit naieve
a bit brilliant
a bit uncertain
and a bit hungry

at the threshold again
and wondering
but now i know not to be powered by thinking
or the workings of the mind
but rather
to be powered by the love of the heart
to be gracious with my pace and persistent with my considerations
until the fruit of their beauty can reveal itself to me
and i can walk a path laid out for my feet alone through these woods that i know so well.

reconnect the circuits
and let the passions of the world direct me towards my station in their complexity
how is the wisdom that i carry best employed in the world?
where can i best be of service, thriving and flourishing for the benefit of all?
how do i serve my wolf kin with the gifts of my dance and my voice?
how do i serve in shifting the consciousness of my human family so that they remember to love the earth
to love each other,
to love themselves?
this already i do, but in a one-on-one way which i love
but which i feel is not enough in this moment.
there is more
there is more
there is more
now is the time

time to go to the silence of the mountain.
to know in remembering
what the soul has coded itself to accomplish in this life.

silence. stillness. solitude.

yes.

i am born again.

moon bombing

tomorow morning at 6:15 a.m. (09/09/09), nasa will launch rockets from
florida aimed to crash into the moon.  they're "looking for water".
now, why they don't take all the money and other resources that this
ridiculous mission will require and direct them towards taking care of
the water here on our own planet, infinite amounts of speculation
could be directed towards.  scientists in those positions seem to have
a fetish for unreasonable endeavors that cost a lot of money that
could easily be used for obviously better things.
but i'm spreading the word as it has come to me in the hopes that who
cares about it will set their hearts, minds and voices towards it in
prayer and whatever other impulse passes through the vessel of you.
if you are called to raise your voice in dissent, do it.  to raise
your heart in prayer, do it.  to raise consciousness around you in
awareness, do it.
i don't get it.  i don't get humanity, i don't get science, i don't
get how such an idea could pass through all the minds it had to pass
through to come to fruition in this way.  it is an act of contempt of
the most audacious order that people would do such a thing as bomb the
moon.  it's an act of power whose basis is in arrogance disguised as
progress.

native americans pray a lot for forgiveness from creator for having
strayed so far from the true path, and for having heaped such contempt
upon the creation of which we are one aspect.  i don't think that
creator is something out there - creator is the self that knows the
truth of being in beauty and cries every time we turn away from it in
fear, ignorance or arrogance.  when we disrespect nature, disrespect
each other, disrespect the awesome potential of our experience by
being ridiculous in ways such as these, we are beating down the
eternal wisdom and innocence within us that shines as a star of love.
we are telling our own selves that we don't matter, and that our
beauty is irrelevant.  it is true that everything that we do to the
web we do to ourselves, for the creator is the created, ad infinitum.
there is no other.  that's not an idea, it's truth.

how miraculous would this reality be if we lived as if that were so?
begin.

night flows through the body

a river cascading in the depths of a dream lost to time

but remembered in space

given here to the realms of truth

held close to the bosom of creation in a protection that does not exclude

only filters

i am a child

naked in the eye of the sky

clothed in the wisdom of ages

offered without temperature to a golden dawn

did i know myself before you remembered me?

i only smell because the earth musks at my lust for her

we are symbiotic, her scent for my glands

this is the crafting of space for content

of content for context

of love for pain

each polarity is a gift for its opposite

each breath is a love for it's exhalation

dream me awake, sweet forever

i am surrendered into your wisdom

bedside wonderings

the summer sun is slanting now into the horizon more deeply, the breathy sigh of the frolicking lover resting a little more deeply into the curves of the beloveds arms.  we are all settling towards the internal now, though we may yet to know it.  august draws to a close with the fanfare of a lazy month, waving a noisemaker, but slowly.  or perhaps that's just me, hazy as i am with these weeks of hashish and lovers.

i'm okay with that.

but aeray asked me yesterday, as we were in our deep sister drop-in, what are all these powerful men in my life about?  and i've thought about that a lot lately, being and observing myself in relation to them.  they are about so much, things i can see and things i can't, things that i know and ways that are inscrutable and mysterious, yet to be revealed.  kings and emperors, and i the eternal priestess.  it seems so much of this journey is my body and where it lays with whom, but there is more to be revealed, not the least to me.

that's at least an aspect of the crux with these epic men - the danger of suffusing into their journeys, and the invitation to fully actualize my own.  they are so powerful!  they have done so much!  they have molded the world with their will, by the energy of their fires, and their potency is a gift to me, to support my own becoming.  but i am such a kitty.  i just like the potency, i'd lay there in it all day.  but no, there is stuff to do, my stuff.  and now the time to do it.

so that's been the question for me these past two days as i've extracted my clarity consciousness from my indulgent transdimensionality - what am i here to do?  i'm not asking in the way of not being clear about that, but in the way of noticing how comfortably and easily i wander from my own actualization into the beds of beauties.  i'm so venus.

album.

ritual. 

lovesong project.

money.

art.

dance.

laughter.

support mama.

serve reality.

there, once more.  

for the eyes of all

and the souls of me.

 

love love love

eye

illumine

i came to the incubation castle, this white shrine in the oak groves of ancient magic, with my heart in my hands as a brilliant gemstone, polished by years, glimmering magic, forged by fire, indestructible. i am one with the essence of all creation, for all creation is the essential one, no aye nada otra. perfection. the gifts of my anguish have been an ellucidation of my joys so translucent, opalescent, so vast in their boddhi universal tonality, that i revel and soar in this newly dawned sky as a raptor of ten thousand wings, brushing clear the stories of time with my grace. and for this, to the source i may come purified. i am renewed, the vestal virgin whose body is the principle of eternal generation. i am the temple and the priestess. we are the night sky in which all the stars may dance. gallaxies are woven in the spirals carved by my hands flowing in the open space of being, the universal song is the dance of my purity. sung through me, for me, with me, the symphonic of creation in love with its own art. and each are one note in the symphony. all the notes must sing if the symphony is to be full. the only silence is artistic silence, woven into the fabric of the creation by intent of grace. there is no hiding unless it is ones part to hide. all the devils will out to play round the fire this night, and the boughs of ancient trees will whip with mad abandon in the cleansing wind of god's laughter, breaking the starlight into grand patterns as it filters down through the boughs to the wondering eyes of the wild creatures. is it really that mythic? yes. your body in my arms is the folding of great rivers into my open heart, the hearth on which i will set your glass and pour into it my essence. amrita, the gift. drink from me, for i am the fountain. into this union i dive as that great shining raptor, sinewy through the open air, intent. it is the joyous plunge into silky emerald waves of the caress of renewal consciousness. we are each the fountain of eternal life, the tree of life, the garden of eden. we must feast on each others fruit to fulfill the vision of original delineation. for why to separate from eternity if not for the pleasure of communion? in all these ways, we serve. how we commune is a constant choice of attenuation. what am i creating by this communion? what am i writing into the akashic records by this choice? revel in all choices. wisdom is attention. this is freedom

essential wisdom

there is no "out there"

or "in here".

there only Is. 

the deciding factor is me.

becoming

so here i am, sitting in a coffee shop in weaverville, california, on a bright and hot monday afternoon, sipping a cappuccino and eating chocolate after having come out of the latest faery magic forest zone to take me in for a night.  

no seriously, i was where?  the land is so rich for me here, it blows me open as a burst of light cracked the shell of creation and pushed everything that exists into the ethers, making "matter" and "space".  i'm five hours from san francisco and five hours from the coast, deep in the tall pines and steep angles of the shasta-trinity national forest.  i lived here through the winter with my lover, and haven't been here since march, but whoa.  it's amazing to be back.  the time that i spent here before was some of the most activated, clear, potent time of purifying the filter and shining the light of my life.  i was studying, making love and practicing.  all of these things being deep passions in my life, they all flowed into the magnificent in their incarnation, but even still, an essential gelling was not there.  that specific, special something that tunes something from the pretty to the gorgeous.  that tuning has been singing and singing in my reality evermore since having come to this place (indeed, it is the progression of years, of the whole stretch of my life).  now that i am returned with a new, independent invitation and therefore a grounded empowerment in my place here, the whole symphony is singing.  i am no longer here on the invitation of a mercurial love situation, i am here at the invitation of the land itself, of its stewards, and the invitation is in the vein of stewardship.  there is somewhere with a place for me, and it has called me specifically home in the brightest and clearest way.

so we see.  there is much to being here in this land, and i am experiencing something equally interesting playing out over time in this era of my experience.  

i must stay on the move.   i must remain in this wondrous tension between the deeply rootedness of being-in-place and the absolute autonomy of being-in-all-places.  this is a time for dropping in deeply with the warrior allies and forging our bonds on the brown grit of the land, the soft embrace of leaves and the gentle healing song of birds and wind in ancient trees.  the whole world is opening the golden clamshell to me, and all i have to do to enjoy the richness of it is receive it with open hands, light feet and a soft and gracious spirit.   

i'm so glad i love my car.  we will be spending quite a lot more time together than i had thought.

the kin are emerging from the sea of faces that is this world in which i move.  sitting with my new brother this morning, i was able to so fully embrace the beauty of his immersion in the world through the lens of our polarized ways - he is alchemizing immersed, and i am alchemizing in the spirit realms.  it was amazing to experience, sitting across a table from each other feeling the whole scope of archetype stretched out and activated between the pillars that we grounded at the extremities of the energetic.  what a trip, this journey of living between realms of existence.  the spirit is so close on that land, on this land, in this forest...  a dragonfly landed on my fingertip as i stretched my wet hand up towards the sun beside the mystical immersion sanctuary this morning.  a hawk landed on the bough above my head just as i opened my eyes on the spot this morning.  she sat there, beholding me with her tail twitching and her head moving around as if to gather different perspectives on my auric field.  yesterday, first witting with the sacred bath, the recently gifted song of power flowed through me so mercilessly, so joyously, i trembled for an hour afterward, my molecules stretched and elated at the growth.  pure divine channel, babay.  the presence of spirit kin of the highest caliber nourishes, pushes, expresses me, and all i have to do is be exactly as i am for all the doors of heaven to open, and for all the angels of creation to emerge from those open doors.

so, my beloveds, i offer you this.

whatever your dreams, desires and pure drives of your spirit rest yearning within you, invoke them from beyond the veil into reality.  write them down, if need, everyday.  speak them aloud, dream about them, dance and sing them into being.  hold them clearly in your mind and with diligence and patience keep at the magic.  i swear, it all shall come.  persist.  dedicate.  create.  dedicreate.  be the light that you wish to feel shining on you and it shall, indeed, shine.  always remember your loves, draw them forth from the sea of potential and be what you are in this world with all systems go.  

creation dreams of only this, and it is dreaming this through you.

en la'kesh, familia.  

eye 

have love, will travel

resting here in the homespace that i carved out for myself in my dreams, i am awash in the energetic turbulence of reality interfacing with fantasies and potentialities.  the stars shine brightly overhead as the bells ring in the ancient oak groves, swaying in the breeze that blows the pine tree tops against each other to make that rustling love sound that so defines the forest and nourishes the soul.  this early cool of evening settles my skin which has been ravished in the heat and activity of the day - the emotional journey ever unfolding as one steps into and out of proximity with the mystery of being and the mystery of loving.  the human field is simplified, i am alone with my thoughts and my feelings, my heart, my spirit and my mind.  i am alone with this story, and wondering what i am doing here.

i am learning about unconditional love. 

there's this luscious, spectacularly  complex and fully formed scenario that the universe and choice has dropped me into the middle of, and i am inclined to recoil from it as much as i am hot to immerse in it.  i have seen it like this - there is a place to which i am called and wanting to go, and it rests, shining in golden sunlight, on the other side of a storm that rages right before me.  the place is ready for me, calling through me, inviting me, and it is where i want to and need to go.  but the storm makes me nervous.  it's not that i think i couldn't make it through, it's that i know that the passage will be anything but easy.  i do not believe it will be a  long journey, but i have not quite got all my gear for passage yet.  the time is not quite right.  so, for now, i sit with the storm and look at the light beyond, feeling into my mild chill and my nakedness, knowing that i will cross when the impulse is clear and the time is right.

not sooner and no later than this.

there is a great work to be done to liberate love from the slavery of fear.  i am in this work, amongst other works, and it is good work.  the opportunity feels so important and so real...  so strange.  there is such an inclination to retreat into myself, to curl up around what has already been wounded in me and make sure that no light and no air touches those raw nerves.  but i know that healing is in the oxygen that fows over the surface and suffuses the cells.  i know that healing is in sitting upright with that discomfort and loving it, loving myself, until it changes.  because all things change.  isn't that the thing that we know the most?  that all things change?  we hold on to love so fiercely, holding it in place, holding it in our hearts, holding the body that represents the principle for us.  holding so much, hoping that it will never change.  but love is of the bird tribe, love is wings and feathers and the soft body in powerful flight.  love only thrives in freedom.  and we are only truly experiencing love if we are in the mode of freedom with it.  if we are grasping, holding, owning, then we are not loving, we are fearing.  we are fearing the loss of the external thing that makes our internal reality feel whole.  

so there's my (simple yet profoundly difficult) learning endowment.  i am not full in love within myself, so when i engage love in the world, i grasp it with the fear of loss.  i can feel the vacancy in my body right now because i touched into love and then it left again.  i am experiencing the machanations of my mind as it works to turn the story into more pain for my pain-body.  and i experience the moments of radical liberation when i actually rest in the expansive nature of true love, and feel that there is love within me that is all the love of creation, just as there is that love within everyone.

i am everything i need.  i am the love of creation.  i am the light of truth.  i am grace, wisdom power, beauty and freedom.  

this is the essence, yes?  this is all that matters.  when even one of us is balanced into total integrity, the whole field is brought closer to integrity.  i have a new innerstanding of integrity, of its nature, that drives me evermore towards that as a goal of being.  one cannot be in partial integrity, for that is not integrity by definition.  one can recognize the ways in which one is harmonized to the radiant truth essence within, and bring evermore of the self into that harmony which, when fully tuned, will be integrity.

we can all do this work.  we must all do this work.  there is truth in the idea that our survival depends on it.

let's do it.

 

creatrixter

the walls of this canyon rise all around, holding in the energy of the star kin gathered here as a stone circle might, were it built into the planes of an ancient and sacred place to focus the energy of the ritualists gathered there.  we kinverge on this land from and through the directives of spirit, answering a call heard deep within the cells of times body.  these beings i have encountered over many years, in many places and ways.  all the while meeting more, experiencing more - more immersion, more communion, more reflection and becoming through relation.  

the angel whose voice and love carried me through the time of the searching within death came dancing towards me along the shores of the river serpent, naked and joyous, shining in the brilliant sun of the afternoon and singing my name.  where else would we meet but here?  and that river is a serpent, indeed.  sinewy and sensual, it weaves a green and blue pattern of light sculpted in its depths through this super-charged sliver in the body of the earth.  it carries all these songs to the sea, the prayers of the faithful sung in the voice of devotion to the soul of creation.  we are a galactic gathering of earthling aeons, frolicking in a sun that almost overwhelms the senses.  but it is this overwhelm -coupled with the depth of practices as varied and dynamic as all the various spiritual traditions and innovations of the world in which we, as gypsies,  carve our paths by walking - that so enriches and enlivens the soul that endless streams of music, art, flowetry, healing touch and ever more course through us as the eternal rushing of creations pulse.  we have primed the channels to conduct the kundalini without frying, short circuiting or otherwise missing the mark.  we are target bound with the needlepoint focus of our intensity of desire to restructure the context to suit our content.  

yes, take that in - restructure the context to suit your content.  

we shall adhere to no falsehood or reduction in our manifestation - we are crafted of stars to bring the light of all creation into the crevasses of this earthly moment.  we are tuned with the songs of angels to sing with the hearts of birds.  was there ever a more perfect instrument than me to orchestrate the expression of god and grow a garden in which all the world may dance?  certainly not.  

and you know what's nice?  i'm one of many.

and looking back into the pages of journals and the scent of moments spent before the altar, moments in envisioning my perfect scenario, i have arrived at just what i requested.  oh, yes, i think to myself, this is just what i asked for.  it is actually more than i asked for.  it is the perfect stepping stone, because it arises as that which i want and enjoy with a few parts that i hadn't considered (filter this aspect out, call that aspect in...) to facilitate more in-depth crafting and cultivation of the field.

dedication, my friends.  persistence.  

it's been years that i've been calling in the seat in which i now sit.  and i am almost not ready for it.  i am still a little bit shy.  i am still a little bit too hasty here and too slow there.  but then i know even more that i am in the right place because my lessons are so obviously, so archetypally kinnected and interwoven with the whole unfolding of my lotus journey.  it's all archetype.  i'm a muse, a musician, a performer and an empress, an inspiration and an overwhelm.  i am white buffalo calf woman, kali ma, gaia, ishtar.  i am the archetype of the dynamic feminine, so yearning for the healing of touch while clawing the hand that reaches for me.  it is still this same thing - sit and wait, work the field, tap a line here to watch how the web shivers in the evenings slanting sunlight.  patience, persistence, awareness, action.  it all feels very transient and crucible-hot to me.  many beings, many options, and this is a station.  not the destination.  where am i going, i wonder, as time unfurls around me.  out of the country by the end of the year, this much i know.  to somewhere i've never been in this body.  

if you could craft the world to suit your gift and beauty, how would it look and feel?  guess what?  get on it.

all blessings on your creative process, worldcrafter.  only the best.  

river of eros

my only directive is to sit softly in the seat carved for me from the white stone of heavens cloudy ground and hold my head up and my eyes open and clear as the world crystallizes around me.  an exploration of total responsiveness.  as the blacktop dimension buckles under its own weight and the ripples of an expanding space-time communion show where the level of manipulation had smoothed the ground, i rest in the grace of groundlessness, with no attachments, responsibilities, or directives other than to exist within the field as it exists and answer the call that calls my name.

my name keeps changing, but i know what it feels like when i hear it.

i have nothing to lose.  all that i have has been freely given, shall move through me on its own journey, and shall arise again later as a new form of the same nourishment, and even perhaps as something new altogether.  i have nothing to gain.  all that rises to my touch will fall away again, for i am the field in which all things do this, arise and fall away.  i have only balance, and that is not a thing, it is a life in which i rest my center, contemplating the extension of the field in all directions around me.  to receive, open the hands, palms up.  to offer, open the hands, palms down.  to go inward, turn the hands over onto the knees and close the eyes.  no more, no less, than this.  here is the expression of free-will in harmony.

in these moments, anyway.  a long night of play, ceremony, dance, beings, smoke and sensual promise has brought me to this magnanimous balance, a grace into which i gratefully sink, sipping another glass of coffee, listening to alpha-theta brainwave music to lift this languid energetic from my senses without dispelling it.  no rush to action, i relish the respite from go-do.  not that i have much of that in the first place, but when it's there, it's really there.  i like when it goes and i'm again in this place.  my first name was toby.  to be.  that's all i'm here for, and that's quite a lot.  soft in creation and light in the moment.  all things becoming what they should be in this soft summer place.  the deer creek cleansed me with mountain snow this morning, bringing the dispersed facets of my energetic body back into the same time co-ordinate together.  here we dance still, summer heat gathering over the valley as the hours of linear time roll away into the hills, a strange and elusive creature whose breath i always feel on my back, but whose teeth never sink into my skin.  i don't meyend the presence.  that's erotic, too.  i like erotic.  it's all vision for me.  the water calls me still, and yet there is land that beckons me, "come, rest, worship here.  eros, eros... come to me, to dance, to be..."

yes, beloved.  i'm coming.

but yes, ground, ground.  i am looking for something still.    a hat to keep the sun off my eyes as i work the fields.  fields to work.  bodies to work.  musicians to make love songs with.  immersion, cohesion, the depth of the depths of experience, the radical opalescent brilliance of actual mystical experience as a way of being, and not a moment in passing.  yeeeeesssss, the serpent that crawls into the crystal cave, tail shimmering and the sound of its passage a kind of deep-throated hissing that permeates the pineal from within and expands it beyond the bounds of being into full expression.  that's where i'm at, that's what i want and that's what i'm looking to create.  enough of this solid-world, flat colors, harsh sounds bullshit.  whose idea was the siren, anyway?  we're going back to the council ground and laying the map out again.  we went the wrong way.  

i want eros in creation.  i want passionate madness and pearlescent grace.  

searching, searching...  how did i get into this reality in the first place?  how did i become 3-d, human, gravity bound, physical?  i don't mind, but the veils need to be spread apart now, without medicine and in less than an hour of meditation.  working, working...  that's the goal.  i've seen it, touched it, suckled it, and i'm going to live there.  everything else is child's play.  we are not only children.  i am eternal, the aeon.  i am the beauty of creation, and i am resplendent with universal nectar.

drink deep from the spring of my body and swim in the spring of eternal life.  i am the rowan angel, the immortalitree.  make a tincture of my sap and dance within my skin for the blessing to unlock your own immortality.

yes, i'm serious.  what are you afraid of? 

was there a track there?  perhaps i came off from it.

we'll see.

there are three things i'm set to accomplish.  i need to see wolves in the wild, i need to make love with a ferocious angel, and i need to perform ritual dance and song for ten thousand people.

so mote it be.

polyamory: to love many

such a beautiful gift we have in the presence of this meme, polyamory.  it conceptually and essentially represents the true nature of love, which i shall henceforth consider simultaneously as liberation.

poly} many

amor} love

to love many.

love is care.  time.  presence.  energy.  sex is an endeavor into deepening love.  they are connected, but not inseperable.  to fully embrace the magnitude of sexual union, to fully honor it's magnitude, one must be first and foremost in the essence of love.  if not, what flows through the sexual union is the corruption of the love principle as it resides in the respective partners and their kinnection, instead of the perfection of the principle.  which is all right, if everyone's down to be present with each other to work out their own parts and their inter-related parts.

what i find for myself and for the people of my own experience, is that the degree of vulnerability inherent in that way of communion is challenging for all parties in different ways.  what i see, generally, is that women have a more difficult time with the emotional process that gets instigated for them with the introduction of other lovers into the kinnexion, but they are able to work with their difficulties and be communicative.  men seem to have their emotional difficulties as well, but have a very hard time communicating about it.    

my previous lover ran out of energy for being present with my emotional process and bowed out of the kinnexion.  the lover before that had never explored polyamory before being with me, so he went and explored and decided that that took too much energy (he's naturally monogamous).  before that i had two lovers who could neither deal with, nor articulate their inability to deal with, the whole scenario.  very difficult.  not fun.  messy.

so i contemplate, as i relearn the topography of my inner sanctum, what is it that hurts us in these processes?  of course people are attracted to many people at once, because people are so dynamic, and there are so many ways to engage the human experience.  that, in and of itself is not hurtful.  where the hurt comes from in the inter-relation is the respect with which we hold each other on the journey.  

my desire to be "the special one" is my danger zone.  that's only mine to be accountable for and to work out within me.  relationship triggers that, either supporting and empowering it or challenging it.  it's a bit of my personal work at this time to dismantle the mechanisms of that element, and it's not easy because i am special and i am perceived that way and celebrated.  but it's got to be kept in balance.  my work.  

my desire to be in a kinnexion of mutual respect is natural and reasonable.  that's what i offer to my invitees and only if that invitation is there will i engage with someone.  not to say that i am in complete integrity (indeed, i have to own that i certainly am not), but i am always available for communion with the people that i have invited into my field.  especially if i have invited them into my body.  when someone comes into my body, they are entering my event horizon, the field of me as an aspect of creation, and they are imprinting themselves into my signature, and therefore my whole experience.  that's a big deal.  i expect for that to be respected with continual presence and care.  and if that presence or care falters or disappears, i go kali.  i don't have any patience for that shit.  

and that's where my hurt comes from.

so the respect is the issue.  the roots, always go down to the roots.  whatever arises on the surface and causes response has roots so much more deep as to be nigh unfathomable.  i say nigh because in the presence of silence, stillness and introspection, all things are fathomable.  however, i also believe that we can only see as much as we can process in a moment - what would we do but short out if otherwise?  self-awareness can be...  uncomfortable.  HA!  the best kind of discomfort, it allows one the opportunity to clarify their incarnation and have the best experience possible.  shit, what's more worth it than that?  in all of living, hold the gifts bestowed upon you with the utmost tenderness and attention, especially if you have asked for them.

then i have to expand the meme beyond the concept of the lovers bond.  if i am polyamorous, and i am a world bridging, world crafting, integral part of this whole experience of reality unfolding, do i not have, in that memetic field, the opportunity to love all of creation with that same degree of magnitude?

yes.  yes i do.  and that's a hell of an opportunity.

so i bring animals into my field of polyamory and vow to them to do my part to end their holocaust.  more than a billion animals are tortured and slaughtered every day for food, clothing and various other purposes.  not only in other countries, plenty of it is here.  if you bought it at a restaurant, that's what happened.  if it says "organic" on the package, that's still what happened.  don't let that organic shit fool you - the FDA owns the word and it doesn't mean anything anymore.  seriously - you can use 90% of the available pesticides and other chemicals available for farming and raising animals for slaughter under the auspices of the term "organic".  and codex, the international food safety codification system that essentially declares any food that's not GMO and pesticided to be unsafe for human consumption, isn't even in place yet (check out healthfreedom.org to learn about codex.  it's an important thing to know about).

if you're not raising, hunting or fishing yourself, don't eat it.  you didn't earn it, you don't deserve it, and somebody who is sensitive and defenseless was tortured for it.  blessing your food doesn't alleviate the suffering of how it got to your table.  you know that.  let's all get real.  imagine if the slaughterhouse reality were happening with people inside of them instead of animals - people would be signing petitions, attending rallies, raising cain all over the world.  but we subject our animal kin to the most heinous torture imaginable because... we like ice cream?  not acceptable.  i scold myself along with all of us because we all know better.

so i declare myself the great lover of all the animals of the world and dedicate myself to their liberation.  through word, deed, act, diet and conversession, i will serve them with my polyamory.  because they are the many whom i love.

along with all of us.  so how do i best serve, through expansive, explosive love, my human community?

first, through dedication to my own integrity.  by dedicating to the emergence of the absolutely clear incarnation of my soul essence, i am deeply serving the world from the core of my being.  everything that comes into contact with me can touch into the integral space within itself and rise to that occasion.  not because i am a leader or a teacher, but because every healthy cell in the body holds the health of the body within it.  therefor every cell that touches it can re-embrace or more perfectly calibrate its own health so that the whole body will resonate back into perfect health.

i was contemplating it with a thread like this for a moment - "well, i'm integral in these ways, and not in these ways".  then i laughed at myself, because that means that i am not integral, i am fractured.  some parts of my own body know their health and perfection, while others don't remember.  so we're all in the work together.  i am holographic of the universe, as a re you, as are we all.  let's dedicate to our own individual health so that we can serve the rememberance of the field back into its original integrity.

pinky swear?

word.

bless.

wombafesta

 breathe deeply, move slowly and make every word a blessing. give three times as much to the world as it gives to you. pray in the morning, during the day and in the night. give thanks for everything whilst calibrating the field to reflect your inner vision. nourish your soul with the light of your loves. be in the journey of your soul truth. 

go forth and do your thing.

sigh deeply, summer night

a blue deeply different, crystaline with emerald songs and irridescent cobalt, shines through a quality of water and latitude quite different than the skies of my homeland.  the world is my homeland, again, as i put on the gypsy boots in dress for the bigger ride of the four-wheeled exploration of space time and potential hearthside.  great swathes of my inner world are along with me on this ride, not just the bare minimum of the previously minor institution of me.  the institution has grown.  now, through the generous benefaction of just enough work at just the right moment, my facilities have expanded to accomodate more tricks in my back seat than ever could there have been in my backpack.  everything i would need to make the littlest nesting in the right space has come with me.

i laugh.

following the language of spirit as impulses in my behavior i have wrapped my whole reality in a red crow carpet and flown the security of my little mountain town.  five days on the road, deep desert solitaire to vegas rollercoaster (literally), morning rises on me blanketed in the desert and sun sets on my salty body naked on the san francisco shoreline.  all the while i go with prayers, always prayers.  and laughter.  as each moment unfolds a brilliance brighter than heretofore known glimmering truth, i bow in gratitude and whisper mirthfully, "more".

she has called me here in this moment, and now offers me the gift of choice.  families stretch around me with great wide-open arms inviting my rest on their couches, in their apartments and fields, in the open trust of their loving hearts and the different tapestries of their communities.  i am received so innocently and so completely i raise my eyes to the setting and rising sun in wonder} "what's going on here?".

i was gifted the book, "worldbridger" two months ago by my friend casey whilst undergoing a peculiarly difficult process in my personal purification.  in a moment in which i was searching for a deeper yes than i had previously encountered, the book landed as a complete yes at the cellular level.  i checked the internet for kinnexion opportunities, and there were four ceremonies slated for the time when i was intending to arrive in california in spite of the strange dissolution of my supposed trajectory.  the ceremonies are to reconnect the bio-electro-magnetic circuitry of the human body so that the whole human self can be activated for presence in the incarnate field.

yes, it is perfect sense.

so here i am.  i got here on friday in the aforementioned rain of magical circumstances and in the company of a bright and wild native dark dancer elf named leah.  she gave me her apartment for the days of the weekend, held my heart with the utmost care during our journey across the country and into relationship, and generally loved and wowed me from moment one to forever.  she was sent to me as an emissary of creation to further my journey and bring me into this land in the swddling blanket of sistarhood.  i'd not come here in that company before - i'd always come naked, or with men.  this is a very different initiation.  it brings me into here in the context of peers, family, and community.  men are a narrow lens through which to view a world, if they are how i arrive there.  something in the energetic.  not a big priority to figure that out right now, but on the radar.  friends and kin are a lens on the whole field.

this morning i woke up with grass valleys breeze already blowing across my skin.  this afternoon i arrived here, and i feel the great breath of joy that the place breathes to receive me.  it has called to me so insistently in these last few weeks, this valley (where i am gladly perched on the mountainside, learning the ridges of the distant mountain through the filter of the short oak trees and the golden light of dusk turning pink as the sun moves), and we are glad to feel each other as lovers who have never kissed are glad to finally meet.  the expansive potential of this field is erotic, figuratively flowing into the literal.  the men are already curious, because i am new and i am bright in these days.  the women are open, present, guileless as i have encountered them in their bright open inquiry of my origins.  i am invited, there is no fear.

and of course, i thank my newly earned wisdom principle that is subtly, profoundly at work} observe.  learn something of the season of this place before jumping in.  don't touch anybody till you've met lots of bodies and understand something of how they've touched each other.  don't get starry eyed - it's still a monkey circus.  Ha Ha!  a worthier caution i have never met.    life, i love you.  keep it on.

i look forward to the feeling of this new angle of the sun on my skin.  i have breathed deeply the scent of the mountainside, curious how it changes morning to night, cool air to heat.  there is a signature of water but no water itself in the air, so curiously different from new mexico in this moment, where there is an abundance of water and still such arid charge to the air.  how the environment knows itself and what is experienced in the moment.  the miracle of the remembrance of moments in the experience of the linear time model.  the land remembers its own patterns better than you remember me.  a grander relationship.

arriving empowered and humble, i dance and sing into the evening sky.  she welcomes me, and we fall into passion with each other, for she is the ear crafted just to hear my song, and i am the sound sent just to caress her skin.  

symbiosis.

beloveds.

bless.

canyonlands natural miracle

the long red road goes through utah.

yummy....

more to come

witness me

the funny thing being that i'm sitting in a cafe with the biggest steaming mug of chai beside me, having opted out of a rainy, muddy, monkey-filled rainbow weekend for the last few moments of beauty, serenity and comfort in my beloved home.  aaaaah, that just feels better.

the day after tomorrow, i embark on a spirit driven journey to a destination only physically known - the essence of the engagement is not work on the material plane, it is not community in the relational sense, it is none of the things that one would say, "oh, i am going here for this".  it is a directive that i follow because i want to, and because to not would be to deny the unfolding of destiny, and relegate myself to fate, the difference between destiny and fate being conscious participation.  spirit has spoken through my instincts and impulses clearly in these last moons (or, more to the point, i have finally grokked the fine art of hearing the communications), driving me to innertake, with total equanimity, strange and miraculous processes - buying a car, discording from my lover, burning the body of my beloved cat, packing up my mountain monastery, heading to the valley that held an earlier stage of this awakening by supporting me with just the right ratios of blessing and challenge for my alchemy to be perfect for emergence.  strange ways, these mysterious source forces, mysterious and brilliant.  opening deep and meaningful relationships, the likes of which i have been calling in for moons, only to leave them for this mysterious mission.  hmmmm, spirit - what'choo doin'?  yeah, yeah, of course i'm here, i'm just curious.  but i'm glad not to know.  there is something so deeply profound, so wildly mystical, so ravagingly erotic about being sent out in this way.  my wisdom teachers bless me and remind me of the essence, echoing from external forms internal words of being, knowing and guidance.  

i am held deeply within the cradle of love and the outspread arms of the great mystery as i journey, now potently joyous in this state of being naked in the storm.  this way is my home, my way, my medicine.  fierce, tender, arrogant, humble.  curious.  

so here, i pray.  i have learned much of praying in these years as i have learned to still and deepen my being, to allow grace to flow through me easily and without grasping, to experience the deep subtlety of universal essence as it moves through this vessel.

prayer is loving creation.  prayer is allowing creation to love me.  prayer is involving myself in the unfolding of the journey of the collective in the field.  it is calling upon the deep intimacy between my incarnate self and the source that creates me, directs me and is me as old friends call upon each other, not just in times of need, but in all times.  source is the original relationship, before even the mother.  the essential self must first delineate from source before it can travel the realms of potential to become a spirit, an embryo, a being.  prayer honors the reality that i am source, and that i am voice apart from source, so that we experience each other.

i give myself to what created me, and i create what i am and what this world is.

so witness me...  and in the circle that is cast, pray for yourself, your loves, your world, and then  celebrate

eastern morning, of innocence and new beginnings

southern day, of journeys, growth and learning

western evening, of arrival, completion, reflection

northern night, of rest, root, metabolization of wisdom

father sun, the life giver

mother earth, the life maker

sister moon, witness and regulator

infinite universe, field in which all things arise and flow away

from the center within

where all elements meet and dance

i call out in prayer

i lift my voice to you in gratitude, blessing and wonder

as the aeon, the universal child, i come to you

empowered and humble

wise and innocent

full of being

and empty

i cast for myself a circle in which to continue the holy journey of becoming

this is a circle i have sat often

and we have sat here together

here i know that we are one

and here i know the unique mystery that is this moment of "me"

for this, as for all things, i give thanks.

i come to you, this moment, great mystery, with prayers.

there are things i will ask for.  thank you for hearing me, and knowing me

for being me

and receiving my requests with an open love

may all my motions mirror this magnanimity

first, spirit, i pray for myself.

i pray to unify all that is fragmented in me into it's orignal wholeness

i remember that state in which i arrived, and i know that it is there for me to live in and be in again

i am ready for that.  so, so ready.

i am ready to channel that much energy all the time, and to use it in the way that it is meant to be used

i am ready to be completely accountable to and for my whole energetic reality

i am ready to fully and uncompromisingly arrive for this incarnation as an active member of the unfolding story of humanity on the earth

i am ready to live my destiny

i am ready to be as potent as all the storms of creation, in full view of the whole family of being

so please assist my journey of weaving all of me together again, instantly and for eternity

in the purest and best way

for the benefit of all creation.

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

a life experience of journeying through the world on the winds of music, ceremony, and dance

a life experience full of performance which is a weaving of ritual, music, dance and eternal wisdom

a life experience of creating the context for divine communion with the gifts of my voice, my dance and my word

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

the appropriate allies for accomplishing this work

the appropriate support for accomplishing this work

the appropriate energy for this work to be a nourishment for, and an aspect of, the awakening of the whole incarnate family on earth and beyond

third dimensional financial support for the process, ease of manifestation

in the purest and the best way

for the benefit of all creation

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest to the manifest plane

a rich ceremonial life

full of beautiful medicines

beautiful songs

beautiful places

beautiful traditions

beautiful kin and allies

beautiful ways and moments

a mentor to share these experience with, someone to reflect with and process with

a good companion to deeply mirror and complement me

a mode that flows easily through me, is clear and powerful and new in being

that i may offer as a garden of beauty in which all the world may dance

in the purest and the best way

for the benefit of all creation

i call forth continual communion with the animal kindred

the ancestors

other dimensional beings and fields of experience 

the deep, wild, subtle wisdom of the earth, sun, moon, and universe

the field of creation

source

 and essential self.

in the purest and the best way

for the benefit of all creation

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

a human experience of deep, interwoven community

based in, growing from and fostering in the world

honesty, integrity, personal power, transparency, health and wholeness

spirit(uality), divine communion, physical cultivation, wisdom, learning, growth and transcendence.

oh, yeah, and big love.  real love.  open handed, open hearted, love with integrity, respect, grace and beauty.

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

that in all these human relationships, there be a balance between the energies of the incarnate sexes.  between men and womyn, womyn and womyn, men and men.  

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

that everyone get over their bullshit behaviors by rising into the inherent perfection of integrity awaiting attention within each of us so that we can do more than process sexual and romantic experience as we journey through this time of ascension together.

in the purest and the best way 

for the benefit of all creation

i invoke and draw forth from the unmanifest into the manifest plane

a continuous open flow of prosperity in my experience

including financial nourishment

raucous laughter on a regular basis 

yummy sensual and erotic experience with emotionally balanced and mature beings of light essence

opportunities for artistic and energetic expression of my essence

opportunities for ever expanding and ever deepening learning on my path

and opportunities for ever deeper immersion in the mystery of being 

in the purest and the best way possible

for the benefit of all creation

mmmmmmmmm....  breathing deep, the ocean flows through...

so much gratitude, creation.  i hear you hearing me.

with deepest, joyous, humble, empowered gratitude i send these prayers out into the field

offering myself in service to creation

eternally

i am in service and devotion

to beauty

the prayers i make for my beloveds i will not speak to the world

those prayers are a gift of trust from them to me

and from me to spirit.

but in this moment, between the self and the world, we pray for those and that which we love immediately - our family and friends, our animal companions, the things which we often touch and are deeply kinnected with.

take this moment to pray for that within your own reality, as a i am now praying for that within mine.

breathe.....

and in this moment, deep mystery, i pray for my world

i draw into my heart all the energy and beauty of creation so that i may know,

in this moment,

that for which i pray.

oh beauty

you dance on the wind as the wings of a great bird in the universe's sky

you dance within me, moving my body and my spirit to rapture and grace

you dance through me, 

inspiring the beholder with that grace, inspiring yourself by moving me

you dance over me

chilling my skin to eros and i revel in the scents carried in your unseen currents

dreams and visions of far-away and very near places

times that i haven't lived and the many-layered moments of my interdimensional self

moments yet to unfold

dear, beloved beauty, i praise you by being you

by knowing you

by seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting and smelling you

devotion.....

yes.  boundless.

so, for the sake of beauty, and to the wisdom of the ages, i pray for this world.

first

so much thanks, deep mystery

for the tide of ascension coming into the shores of experience

through the quickening of the opening and awareness of the conscious self

through the quickening of magic and synchronous moments meant to re-calibrate the field 

from destructive chaos

to nurturing chaos

from madness

into balance and harmony

and for that tide arriving in the wisdom of the new people coming through

the new children are a brilliance to behold

learning, teaching and being at the speed of light.

so much thanks for this, great mystery.  thank you for making me an integral part of this becoming.

great mystery, turn your loving attention to the animal kindred

they are suffering a holocaust at the hands of humans

protect them

make them invisible to hunters guns and arrows,

guide them safely around traps

away from poison

and into the full, radiant glory of their inherent freedom.

hold them in light

great mystery

as they travel through their own trials of these times

ensure their survival

nourish, nurture and protect them. 

and whatever work is mine to do to ensure their wellness,

great mystery, do not hesitate to send me forth on their behalf.

with such infinite love i make this prayer.

so much gratitude for the animal kindred.  hold them in light all}ways.

and great spirit,

please attend to the sick and mutated beings amongst us

who wage war on any scale

who rape other beings

who destroy cultures, peoples and the earth

who live in and perpetuate pain

who dishonor self and other through murderous mentality

attend to their awakening

to their recalibration and purification

that we may all live a life of freedom, beauty and fullness in this world and beyond

in the purest and the best way

for the benefit of all creation

immediately and for all time

with deepest gratitude

and hold the great mother earth in her purest divine light of beauty

with all of her systems intact, even if they go dormant

nourish, nurture and protect her

and all of the life living on and through her

that we may continue to thrive in this most gorgeous temple of creation

in the purest and the best way possible

for the benefit of all creation.

with so much gratitude for the awesome gift of this life, spirit, i send this prayer out into the field.  i love so deeply, so fully, so boundlessly, in these prayers.  hear me, direct me, answer me.  so much gratitude...

breathe......   so deeply, breathe.  call in all that you see in the world and pray for it's purest form to emerge in the field.  give thanks to spirit for hearing you, for hearing me, as you pray.

and then, 

celebrate

AHO! great spirit!

i raise my voice in a song of cantankerous love!

i swirl and dance in the garden of miracles that we have created for all to enjoy.  

the light of the sun, filtered through a powdery cloud, landing on a woodpeckers wing as it hops up the body of the tree, peck, peck, peck, looking for bugs, is beauty almost incapacitating.

morning dew on the sacred grass, birdsong in the dawn, beautiful bodies frolicking in the summer sun, move me to rapture and madness most divine.  the kiss of cold water on sun-soaked skin, the boom of bass and sweaty bodies groovin' under starlit skies, songs sung at sunrise when i can barely keep my eyes open, i've already danced so hard - miracles!  gifts of the most radical caliber of creativity and brilliance!  i am drunk on the magnificence of living, the whole world spun up in my wild song and dance.  god is my playmate!  god is my me!  god is my lover, and we are reunited after a long journey has travelled us both across the seas of learning, and you know how good that's gonna be.  HAHA!

i am mad with love for this life, great spirit!

thank you for flowers

for coffee

for sunrise

for ayahuasca

for hot boys

for mountains and oceans

canyons and meadows

for animals and paint

for music and dancing

for everything 

for all that is this journey

for loving me

for being there for me to love

and for us being one.

so deeply, so fully, so fiercely, i love.  

great spirit

great mystery

great creation,

so deeply so i love

with utter devotion

complete humility

radical gratitude

and infinite openness

i send these prayers into the field

in the name of the light

the life 

and the love

for the benefit of all creation

from the source to the source.

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

angel in the office

the concept that spiritual experience happens in spiritual settings is a crock.  spiritual experience is all that's happening, and we either realize that or not.  as a great character in a book once said, "why not have beauty when we're shitting?  you think spirits not there because your pants are down?  have beauty all the time, honor spirit all the time".

yes, yes...

so it happens, today, that in the insurance office, i have what (if memory serves) is my first incarnate experience with an angel.

angels is not a concept that i relate to very freely.  it's only been in the last few years that i've related to it at all, and it's been an archetypal relationship as opposed to a specific one.  this is the way with me - i don't directly experience gods or goddesses, i don't travel into the pyramids when i'm journeying with transdimensional friends, i don't hear spirit in my head talking in english, none o' that.  i experience pure energy, pure impulse, and every so often it dresses in a dress and feels like something more specific than pure energy.  

so today, sitting in a little room in the blazing hot afternoon of a desert summer day, with the flourescent lights blaring and the air-conditioner plugging up my nose, to experience a full-on, white-light radiant angel was, well...  very natural in a very strange way.

story } 

i went to the state farm office to get insurance on my new car.  i've not done much of this bureaucracy business in my life, having been a dedicated member of the house of fuck-the-system, so i didn't know what they were going to ask about or look for, but i wasn't worried.  i am, however, tight with time for accomplishing rigamarole like this - i leave for a big journey the day after tomorrow.  that's me, too.  lots of things in the last minute, not particularly caring about what the state and the laws have to say about what i'm supposed to do.  i've said to a cop who was asking me why i went over a fence that said "no trespassing", "i'm an animal.  i don't read signs, and i don't follow directions if i don't think they make sense for me.  i wanted to be in there, so that's where i went".  that was an interesting conversation.

but anyway,  there i was sitting in the office with my new friend jeremy the insurance agent who's also a musician and likes my tattoos, when he asks me something about has my license ever been suspended.  "no", i say.  that's not true.  in that moment, without being fully cognizant of it and while i speaking that word, i called on whoever my assisting angel may happen to be to come sit with me and clear the field so that i could easily move forward with my work and my missions.  in a strange tidal type of energetic, as this whole curiosity was unfolding on many different levels, the thought rose to the surface of my mind along with the awareness that that was a different thing for me to do as a presence arrived into my field.  not arrived, materialized.  there's a spot on my back where my energy is always spinning especially fast, as if the center of a chakra were sitting on the surface.  as the call went out and the contemplation came with it, a soft internal touch began to emanate in that place.  it was simultaneously warm and cool, solid and etheric, and it felt like the impression of a hand, but it wasn't a hand that was there - it was the impression of a hand because that's how i would be able to relate to the sensation.  it was a golden energetic blooming in my back, a deep soothing presence of radiant light.

she grew from there, weaving herself in light from the touch of that hand, till she sat there next to me.  with my eyes soft and pointed forward, i could completely see her in my inner eye.  beautiful, smiling, long and beyond space with her form, the seeing her was an internal experience.  i contemplated for a moment, "is this my imagination?" and the answer emanated that there is no difference between imagination and reality.  imagination is the internal experience of all of the different dimensions of reality.  imagination is a reality-crafting tool.  i turned in her direction with the intention of seeing her, and my yearning faded her presence.  the touch lessened, and i couldn't see anything.  but when i looked forward again, softened my eyes and rested into the expanding moment, she was there as a complete sensory experience.  her huge wings, so over-plumed that their feathers were more a principle of flight than a mechanism, radiated out from her body, and then our body, filling the physical room and then bending the dimensions of the room to continue expanding.  have you ever felt that?  that radiant stillness of universal expansion?  it feels like the essential hum of being, flowing like starlight from nowhere to nowhere.  all sound became muffled, the voice of jeremy far away from my body but completely present in my sensory experience, still asking questions which my form answered while my essence sat in the field of this being.  she felt like michie, the essence of michie coming in this new form to guide the flow of the river for a moment so that i would be free in my motions.  she moved the moments for us, smiling a soundless smile, speaking to me me in unheard wisdoms sent through my cells.  

and then, just as easily as she had come to the moment, she went from it.  and there i was, signing a paper for my insurance while breathing regular breath again.

we "concluded our business" in the ordinary way, and i went outside to my bike with the arid white hum of her visit around me.  it didn't register for a moment, that "something had happened".  it didn't register for over an hour, actually.  and then it was a slow realization.  that is remarkable unto itself, that it felt so completely natural to have an angel hold space for me in an insurance office.  now i leap and whirl in the beauty of it, wondering and marveling at the beauty of it.  it makes me so much more curious about my journey to california and the nature of the destiny unfolding before me.  i've done a lot of praying in my life, done a lot of ceremony, been in a lot of hairy situations and sacred spots, and i've never experienced an angel like that before.  

awakening happens in the most strange and wonderful places.  

so much of my life has been hiding, has been resistance and polarization, has been refusal.  i arrived here into this reality with a brilliant array of talents and beauties, and i've fought with myself and everything else about bringing them forward into manifest expression.  polarization is a good word for it - i've pushed away what i've drawn in.  a very frustrating way to exist.  

i decided recently that i am done with that way.  and for the first time, i completely mean it.  there's a depth of conviction, a depth of shifting in the decision of that moment, that has allowed for my whole reality to shift.  it is as personally monumental as the melting of the ice caps that dries the tropics and soaks the deserts.  it is a fundamental shift in the attenuation of the being in its and to its experience in manifest reality.  that shift allows for whole new realms of being to rise and fall as the tides of creations ocean.  it allows for tangible experiences of transdimensional realities beyond the scope of whatever i've experienced before.  it allows for angels in the insurance office, and owls flying in front of my car on the night that my cat left the earth to tell me that she was in good hands and good guidance on her journey through space to her own place in the continuum.  it allows for specific premonitions and dreams full of messages.  it allows for "leaping empty handed into the void" because my whole inner self says "yes" in a new way and i have no ground in rationality for what i am doing, but no fear.  all this because i know that i am not just resting in the great mystery, i am the Great Mystery.  and my pledge to honor, serve, love and represent it in this life has become true in the way that that can actually be what is.  

beyond the idea into the being.

so i get called to buy a car, pack up my sanctuary and roll out to california.  i set it all in motion.  a book comes into my hands and i look for the ceremonies on line, find them, talk to the facilitator, and sign up for them with the completely fearless certainty that they will affect the whole tone of my reality and all plans are tides that flow in and out.  only ceremony and fulfilling the essence matter now.  everything else will be revealed through that journey.  no attachments, no worries.

something more that i've realized, or something that i've realized more deeply} up until now, i have experienced the world and reality predominantly through a mode of resistance and polarization.  not solely, but predominantly.  so i've formulated my value system and my worldview based on the information gathered through this lens.  but in this moment, my roots have shifted.  i don't know anything now, because what i could say about what i know or feel is based on a perspective that i'm not moving through.  my whole ground of being has shifted, and i am, in this moment, as the aeon.  i am the universal child, infused with the wisdom of the ages whilst completely innocent.

i am free from the past, and free from the future.  i am infused into the moment and the moment into me.

freedom is an internal reality that then arises in your external experience.  just like everything else.  we are truly creating reality every moment because we experience, inform the field, then experience and inform the field, and we have been doing this since we came and before.  we are the creators and that which is created.  this is not an idea.  it's a fact.

so call on angels in the office, allies on the mountain, guidance through the grocery store to the chance encounter that will change your trajectory forever.  mysticism is not something that happens somewhere - it is what is, only awaiting your awareness.

thank you creation

bless

wildlife is a principle, not a thing

the crows rustle and tumble in the twisting wind, chasing each other through swells and hollows in the invisible force of nature.  the latest of summers raging storms is rolling over the mountains with the fury of the gods tumbling in the clouds, soaking air and skin in rich waves of cool water, filling the river so that it happily flows at two whole inches deep, hallelujah.  children run and dance in the park, lovers roll lasciviously in the grass, teenagers smoke hookah with the detached cool of the adult archetype that they hope to become and the day moves on slowly, a celebration muted by the elements.

i'm very concerned about what's happening with the wolves here in our "land of the free".  here in the southwest, there are 52 mexican wolves left in the wild, most of them in a wilderness south of here called the gila.  

52.

in the interior northwest, there are a few hundred wolves in wyoming, montana, idaho, oregon, northern california, the dakotas.  not many.  enough to count in the mind.  for the last 20 years, there have been dedicated, ongoing efforts by a number of grassroots organizations to ensure the survival of the wolf in the wild.  it has not been easy for a number of reasons.  somewhere along the line, people cultivated a ferociously irrational loathing of wolves.  it has been perpetuated through stories and cultural memes for hundreds of years.  "mad as a wolf" and similar phrases are used to describe unscrupulous, dangerous people.  innumerable folk tales use the wolf archetype as a symbol of intelligent, depraved violence.  but wolves are not violent.  they hunt easy prey (which is partly why they hunt captive "livestock" like sheep and goats), mate for life, have extremely well cultivated social systems, and care for their young and for each other with awesome tenderness and dedication.  they are highly civilized, among the most highly civilized creatures of the animal world, on par with gorillas for order.  

so what an interesting thing to use the vilification of them as marauding, bloodthirsty savages as justification for hunting them in hellicopters and shooting their young in their dens.  what a very interesting thing.

somewhere, in the human journey, there came a conceptual form that urged to turn land into property, and move the sustenance base from hunting free creatures to raising "stock" animals (that term pisses me off as much as the concept of "game" animals.  how the fuck did any creature get to be "stock" or "game"?  where the fuck did that perversion come from?).  anything that didn't obey the sanctity of the border has been summarily exterminated.

buffalo.  

jaguars.

wolves.

indigenous people.

wolves are an amazing example of the perverse and petty fear of nature that has infected humanity ever since we got mutated and diverted from the divine blueprint by an invading alien race (yes, i'm serious).  they are a highly sophisticated creature with highly sophisticated social systems, family processes and interpersonal principles.  they are such a magnificent intelligence, such a miraculous wisdom.  they may choose to live in space with other creatures, including humans, but they cannot be domesticated.  they are inherently autonomous, i would say more so than humans.

they do not seek to dominate territory, their approach is more of a graceful magic than that.  they claim their territory, mark its edges with their piss, and root down into it energetically.  their presence, not their force, is their primary mode of maintaining the territory that they have described for themselves.  they do not seek to run us out of space, nor will they capitulate their space to our encroachment.  if a rancher sets up shop in wolf territory, the wolves eat from that ranch.  the presence of the wolf requires a sophisticated balance of energies, wherein everyone needs to be present to learn how to work with and respect each other.  

derek jensen, an environmental acitivist and writer, wrote about living somewhere in the company of wolves, and them eating chickens that he was raising.  one morning, sitting at his desk and looking out the window, he spied a wolf entering his yard, intent on the coop.  it felt his eyes on it and looked up at him.  in that moment, they exchanged a silent, energetic communication wherein derek asked the wolf to please leave his chickens alone.  they held silent presence with each other, and after a few moments, the wolf turned around and walked away from the yard back into the forest.  it did not come again.  

wolves are true sorcerers.  violence in never their first approach to a situation.  even in hierarchical fights, the violence they apply is symbolic, not actual.  it is an expression of potential power, and the process is a part of working out their social order which holds the whole pack in place.  in this way, they are actualized in the scheme of natural reality in a way that humans are striving for and only a few have achieved.  

true power has no need to express itself out of turn.  true power is transcendent, and entrains the things that it comes into contact with.  only imaginary power uses violent force to express itself.

being wild is a power.

the relentless attempt by the "powers" that be to eradicate the presence of wildlife is actually a more sinister reality than is commonly acknowledged.  it is an attempt to destroy that which is wild within the soul of all beings, it is an attempt to neutralize the dynamic beauty of life and reality into a grey monotone of easily controlled experience where people are feeders for the machine and all of nature is feeder for the people.  what is wild within us is free, and freedom doesn't subscribe itself to the inane bullshit that the system is always feeding us about becoming "responsible, contributing members of society".  we will only become that thing if we follow the truth of our essence and arrive to experience with all the unique magic that is only ours to carry into and through this life.  my friend the biologist tells me that i am that rare bird that ensures the survival of the species, because genetic diversity is what perpetuates life.  

we are wild.  we are sensory systems designed to interpret and interact with the earth and universe, which has been designed to interact with and inform us.  symbiosis of the highest order, the natural relationships between delineated aspects of universal source energy.  civilization, as it stands, is designed to rupture and fracture that natural relationship by streamlining the human experience into chairs (which disrupt the flow of energy from the earth core to the body), transportation modalities like cars and planes (which disrupt the connection of the body with the subtle spirit realm, the gravitational field and natural time), foods that are not natural or nutritious, frequencies that corrupt the natural electromagnetic field of the body, and boxes for houses, right angles that deaden energetic flow in space, separate us from sky, earth and air, dispell night with lights...  on and on.  and the social processes of human society are outrageous.  it's a taboo to be naked anywhere that someone can see you.  what?  everybodies naked!  get the fuck over it!  it's a taboo to say what needs to be said because someone might be offended by it.  it's a taboo to do all kinds of things that are the most natural things for us to do, and that's a slavery, kids.  it's not a cool thing.

consider the middle east.  

in muslim countries, women are covered head to foot their whole lives.  they cannot go around where they live on their own, they need to be escorted by a man, and then only one that is their husband or relative.  if they are seen talking to a man who is not one of these things, they can be tortured and killed for it, no repercussion for the man who does the torturing.  what's this all about?  the idea that a man cannot control himself if he sees a womons hair or ankles uncovered.  imagine that for a moment - there is a whole segment of our world where, instead of doing the work to learn to relate in a harmonic and balanced way of mutual respect and regard, the social system was designed to support this complete lack of relational development.  women are enslaved because men are considered to be totally incapable of controlling themselves in the presence of them.

give me a fucking break.

so the womyn get enslaved, and the men get relegated to a state of perpetual violent idiocy instead of having to learn how to deal with their sexual energy.  interesting solution.  and what gets killed in everyone through this method?  the wild spirit within that yearns for freedom, for breath and flight, for eros and love and ascension.  no one is free when others are oppressed - this means more than just my freedom to do whatever i want versus their slavery.  this refers to the system of slavery in which, no matter what position you are in, you are enslaved.  the slave master is a slave to his slaves as surely as the slaves are slaves.  everyone could be free if we all agreed to show up with the whole spectrum of our intelligence intact and available for the journey.

i have a proposal.  let's live like the wild creatures we are with the full possession of our potential for ascension intact in all of our relations.  what would that look like?  in the nice it looks like being naked whenever and wherever you want to be naked.  smiling at everyone you see when you feel good and growling when you don't.  eating with your hands, walking barefoot across lawns instead of always in shoes on the streets, dancing as often and as madly as possible, laughing uproariously at whatever you are amused by.  it means never excusing yourself for farting or burping, picking your nose when it's full of boogers, or touching someone that you pass in a crowded space.  acknowledge them, yes, do not excuse yourself.  it means being as erotic, clowny, challenging, stimulating and fascinating as you have the potential to be.

in the intense it means speaking up to injustice when you see it (how did it get to be "none of your business" when you see someone beating their dog or their kids?  how did that intervention get to be taboo?  violence only stops when the people intervene, and isn't that what we all want?  a peaceful world?).  it means being defiant when the authority structure is coming after your wild ride.  it means being ferocious when something you love needs you to be that, including yourself.  it means being totally in your power and not needing to wield it, but not being afraid to do just that if the need arises.  it means being dangerous, but not violent.  it means being fearless when the guns are drawn, when the moment calls for more than you think you can give, for something of the extraordinary to flow through you in an emergency.  wild people do not allow the world to crush the dreams of other beings.  because we are so passionate about our own freedom, we realize that we must use it to serve the freedom of the collective.  

wildlife is a way of being.  bring it off the playa, out of the festival, out of the house party, into the streets.  wield the wild within in a place that it's not safe to do it.  use your own wild nature as an invitation to others to engage the world through their inner wild.

people love a leader.  it is easy to lead by example, to be a context in which people are safe and encouraged to make their inner beauty radiate out into the world.  you don't have to hold anyone's hand, just hold yours open as you live to your fullest.  your beauty is an invitation.  remember that always, and everything that you are shy to express will flow from you in that most conducive of riverbeds - service.  if you want to go there, but you're scared, remember that someone or something around you wants to go there too, and needs a pal to make it feel right.

be wild.  scream and howl, laugh and dance, be luscious and lascivious with a spiritual flavor and an irreverent grace of dedication.  oh yes, get your groove on, right in the middle of the street.  or the train, or the office, or the house.  just get it on.  

you'll love it.  i promise. 

holographic grace

"the solution will not be created at the level of the problem." ~einstein

i got trained to facilitate the "Awakening the Dreamer, Changing the Dream" symposium for the Pachamama Alliance a year and a half ago.  the symposium is an incredible body of work, and it was a wonderful experience to be trained, filled with hope, bright possibilities, eager awareness blossoming in the water fall of a new tool to use in the ongoing quest to Wake People Up.  so many good and wonderful things there, so much honest, earnest dedication to the earth and to change in the good way.

and yet, something about it didn't fulfill me.  

changing the situation that we're in collectively is not about finding new "green" ways to live the paradigm that has so divided the spirit of the world, so strangled the mother home.  we cannot hybrid-car and solar-panel and energy-efficient-lightbulb our way out of the the animal holocaust, or the melting ice caps, or the perverse and pervasive war mentality fueled by political and religious ideologies that say "do as i say or die".  or even just "die, regardless of what you do". 

that's not a mind issue.  that's a frequency filter issue.  

form follows energy.  the being is not the origin of impulse, it is a transducer of impulse.  it takes the impulse of the universal continuum, translates it through the particular energetic grid of itself, and motivates action according to that relationship.  we each hold the whole spectrum of creation within us, and yet are each specifically and differently calibrated to channel it in specific and different ways.  intellectually, we know this.  energetically, i don't think that's widely or deeply understood.

what that means is that no one is separated from source.  that's not possible.  if one is breathing, source is flowing through.  if you've ever seen a dead body, you realize that it's dead because source and spirit are not there anymore.  the body doesn't work without them as fuel and fire.  but what can feel like separation from source is actually a state of corruption in the transducer.  the filter is fucked up, so the signals are moving through it in a compromised way, causing compromised energetic impulse and action in the being.  that can be fixed!  but not through the mind alone.  the mind is one ally in the work.  the whole self needs to be involved in the process, or what hasn't been accounted for will pull the being back out of alignment.  like if you get chiropractic work and not massage : the bones will move to where they're supposed to be, but then the muscles will pull them out again because they haven't been realigned to the original blueprint.  they're still over there in compensation mode.  isolation approach doesn't work.

so something like the symposium is a wonderful attempt at solving the problem at the level that it was created.  it is a mind approach to a frequency filter issue.  it doesn't touch the core.  it goes deeper than most mind approaches go, because it gets into the emotions, but that's still not the root.  people come to the symposium, get all fired up to Change the World, go off on it for a few weeks or months and then go back to doing what they were doing, perhaps a little more greenly, a little more intentionally, but still, mostly back to where they came from.  that's the average.

so how do we affect the transducer?  in ceremony.  ceremony and ritual* work at recalibrating the frequency of the individual and the collective through accessing more of the being in transcendent (non-ordinary) states of consciousness.  in this state, and through this mode, alterations in the fundamental organization of the being can occur.  it is precisely the transcendent nature of ritual that has made it the medicine of choice all over the world for thousands of years, until the perversion of the dogmatic western mind outlawed it and killed people for it.

a good friend of mine wrote a poem called "the sacred function of words" in which there is a line about holding the wound in place through unconscious speech.  something i've marveled at over these last few weeks is the way that my mind will inflict and re-inflict a wound ad infinitum.  it blows me away!  why does that glitch happen?  how do i smooth the field so that the mind flows?  how am i energetically corrupted that that can be such a powerful process, so relatively intractable?  big questions, good questions, and the mental understanding is one aspect of the answer.  the innerstanding resides in my attention to my instinct, to my own comprehensive intelligence and it's process and perspective.  when i perceive through and move from my whole intelligence, my experience is completely different.  there are subtleties and there is depth the likes of which rival the ocean for richness, complexity, awe-inspiring beauty, wonder.

existing in 

the light of this intelligence  

i am the aeon

the eternal child of creation born with all the wisdom of the ages.

i am original medicine

the joyous art work of the one

birthed into the earth to worship

to guide

to grow and learn

for the universe

for i am the universe

transcendent

brilliant

invisible

i am the scope and depth of consciousness

because i am simply and completely 

fully

present  

as the magic of my whole being

ritual, ceremony and exstatic processes and practices allow the self to fully open.  they allow the whole self to be present in the same dimension.  the full intelligent mechanism of a sensual (and by that i mean sensorily attuned, feeling and experiencing) being is an awesome body of wisdom.  each of these senses is a different intelligence, and when they are activated, aligned and integrated, the being is a channel for pure source energy to easily flow through.  we have somehow been fractured, because the source energy is not freely and easily flowing through us as individuals, or as a collective.  everyone has it flowing through some channels and not others.  most people yet do not have it flowing through fully.  and the collective?  well, we don't need to go into that.  we all know.  the people who do have it flowing are our exalted guides and wisdom beings.  it's interesting, no?  when someone is fully activated, they shine so bright it is astonishing, entrancing, inspiring, nourishing.  people want to follow them and learn from them and become them.  most people don't realize that they can become that themselves.  

each one of us has that capacity.  so how do we activate the reality?

that's my quest.  to find out and to share it.   and...  i'm diving deeper 

more soon...

primal healing

solstice did not dawn with a radiant sun blessing, the sky merely brightened behind a heavy hanging of rain clouds that soaked and saturated the celebrants of this holy day, driving me deep under cover after a night of dancing and exploring the inner world in the embrace of silent desert winds.

i'm okay with that.  the sun rose in my morning dreams, and the extra hours put pink exuberance where wan dedication would have been.  praise weather.

my sunrise ceremonial plan wet and chilled, i dropped deep into contemplation when i finally rose from my cloud.  the ceremonial life is my way, but the teachings of the wheel are not to be heard by my terrestrial ears - all this is learnt through the vast river of knowledge and experience in which i swim, the many gracious and well-worn mentors who bless my days with their beauty and wisdom.  better that way - my understanding is an innerstanding, a synthesis of information and experience, a personally grown wisdom.  i laugh as i oscillate between "i want a teacher!" and "i am the teacher." and "all wisdom is inherent in the divine hologram of incarnate experience."  in the mayan (arguelles) i am lunar worldbridger, part of that definition being that i "polarize in order to equalize".  

why, yes.  yes i do.  the pendulum is my horse.

anyway, spent half the day channeling my own understanding of the wheel, mapped and graphed, key-worded and archetypally codified, far from exhaustive (aaah, the infinite journey of archetype).  then finally, almost confusingly, the bright sun burst through the dispersing clouds and the land re-issued that sweet and insistent invitation to her skin that had been pulsing in my inner hearing for the week.

yes, yes, i am coming...  quick, quick, it is late to spread land between me and other monkeys.  abiquiu, i come for your mojo.

abiquiu is northwest of here, mesa country and rolling hills.  that sublime, masterful sculpture of ancient terra that once was ocean floor flushes and waves before the astonished spirits eyes in gently painted tones of powdery green, deep rusty red, rich brown and deep blackened brown, softest pre-dawn blue...  gnarled tufts of juniper and pinon pine dot the gentle angles of the hills, a beautiful accent on the symphonic dance of demure colors.  and always there plays a magical renaissance sky overhead, the creative studio of the elements radiant for the joy of being and the beholder.  where better to purge the flotsam, purify the spirit, invoke the essence, honor creation?  it is a breathtaking temple of natural grace.  

a single fine white mesa with a special tilt to its top called me to the flame, graceful and sparkling, rising slightly above its earthen surroundings.  a sky temple, carved of ivory.  a mesa is a mountain with its top gently raised by a band above the body of the mound.  i've climbed a lot of mesas in my earth journey, but never one like this - when i reached its base and began to scale the curve of the mound beneath the band, i embraced the strange phenomenon that it is crafted out of some kind of white, powdery sand.  truly seeming as a deliberate sculpture, its form is that of the desert but its mass is porous, and it crumbles in the hands as one climbs.  being the lizard that i am, i climbed anyway, caution not even be damned, caution wasn't even entertained.  this is how i do.

along the mound, which is steep, there runs one long sensual ridge, up which scampering is a pure delight.  at the latening hour, the bright sun shone directly into my eyes, causing sweat to stream down into them and tiring me quickly.  it occurred to me as i climbed the ridge that the mountain was actually very steep and if i got to the top, getting down was going to be a bitch.

something about climbing, though.  just go.

so i got to the band, and there was no readily visible place to climb it.  i began to traverse the body of the mesa and it became apparent that there probably wasn't a good place to scale it because the band of a mesa is usually straight up or slightly curved to overhang, which is fine when the rock is solid.  when the rock is crumbly and the mountain is steep, that's not fine.  so, sun blazing in my eyes and the mountain offering me the challenge at the price of my skin, i continued to traverse, looking for the way off or up to the top.  i found one potential portal of ascension where the band narrowed and there were only a few feet of scaling to pass to the next slope towards the top.  i put one foot on a ledge of soft stone, pressed on it gently with my weight to see if it would hold, and decided that if i hopped from there to the handhold that i could see, i could scramble over the edge and be fine on the slope. 

as i stepped, i felt the stone twitch beneath my foot and before i could actually grasp the handhold i was reaching for, it gave way beneath me.  the sound of tumbling stone fell away below me as i gripped the mesa with my body, willing myself into place.  that one stone that i had stepped on?  that one rested against my now dented shin with a new red spot to mark my presence and my passage.  it was a great deliberate movement of faith to lift my foot so it could fall, laughing at me, away down the slope.  then a great, bemused silence surrounded me as the last tiny pebbles pitched and rolled away, and sudden signals of pain arrived from all the little scratches on my bare skin.  blood offerings.  no worries.  

fuckin' hell, man.  this loveland of mine is a sharp kiss.

laughing and giving thanks that i didn't fall down the side of the mesa over cacti and into the chasm beneath me, i opted not to be attached to the glory of the top and to instead float down into gentle communion with the grass on the plains and the much gentler rise of the brown mesa right beside me.  

i think you have to fly to an ivory castle anyway, right?  or go around the backside.  HA!  next time.

by then, of course, my clothes (my Ceremonial Solstice Whites) were sweaty wet and dusty, so i took them off to walk the plains naked.  i was beside and below the gentle mountain that had so captured the heart of georgia o'keefe, the black mesa.  its top is broad with a great sloping skirt of hills radiating out from it in all directions, and it does indeed, emanat an arresting pulse of graceful elegance.  of this mountain she once said "perhaps, if i paint it enough, god will give it to me".  i think god did, and it is she who sits there still, painting the sky with her ephemeral brilliance.  it is only the desert that offers a sky blessing like this.  great drifts of cloud piled upon each other in interdimensional layers with light playing through them, a game of hide-and-seek played by god and form.  some edges pearlescent, some masses infused with an etheric light, some faces flat grey, rays of sun shining through openings in great shafts of blessing light, angels dancing in their yellow-golden glow, all woven on the vast blue fabric of infinity stretching behind.

so slowly, so slowly, climbing the graceful slope of the brown mesa to it's top to look out over the valley.  the land, blessedly free from the slavery of the level, rises and falls in it's own rhythms, so feminine in its curves and swells.  the lake laid there on the plain between rising forms of weather worn ancient mountains, a flat expanse of pearlescent blue laid into the fluctuating earth colors that seem to dance in the wind.  those ancient mountains layered on each other stretching back to the horizon, softening in shades of blue as they peered out from behind each other as curious and elegant animals may.  such perfection in this transient beauty.  such love and healing, such being and wisdom.

each step a question and a prayer as i rest deeply into every breath, knowing that what i thought was truth is now underscored by an awareness so much more vast that there can be no assuming anything about anything, least of all about myself.  i have heard the call, i have come as an answer, and a deeper stillness and presence than ever have i held is asked of me to know what the call is for, what the answering will mean for my being.  

i felt my mind racing, chattering along about things that weren't there - stories, so many stories, all perfectly valid, all perfectly inconsequential.  not here, not the moment.  mind business.  busy-ness.

so much more discipline to cultivate.  

i laughed at myself a lot yesterday.  learned a lot.  grew in understanding.

and i walked.  the sun shone intermittently as a game with the clouds, a chill but not cold wind blowing over the crest of the magical mountain, very little of the suns kiss to the skin, but much of its magic in the sky.  a beautiful plateau lays across the plain from the mountain, and to its edge i walked, to a spot where i laid down and drank a brief sunkiss into my naked temple.  purification.  sensual saturation.  the earth, the rain and sun come to me as lovers, soak the skin to madness, rapture.  pure healing.  no mind.  the wind blows over me and i slip, deeply breathing the dampened earths saturated musk in through my cells, through my skin, through my loving creation.  slip, relinquishing my body, a gift to the sky, through the veils into pure communion.  trance. 

drink deep the fleeting light.  grow a garden of beauty within the temple in which all of creation may dance.  i am eden.

i laid there long in trance, sinking into the sound of the birds, the wind, the silent open space of earth.  then the breeze suddenly chilled at the same time that the light darkened, and i sat up to see where the storm was coming from.  the storm, lit from within with a golden fire, was flowing over the mountain, consuming her.  the streaks of rain flowed softly between her and i, a veil of life over a fertility dance.  i had mere minutes before it came for me.  i took my rain coat out of my pack and wrapped it around the pack to keep it and my boots dry, and stretched my naked vessel into the arc of the oncoming tempest.  so cold the wind that flew against my skin, penetrating my fears and flushing my resistance.  my earth cells contracted against the expansion of my transcendent being into that gift of fresh sky water, but for this had i come and into this would i gratefully go.

"naked in the storm" is this time.  it has been my metaphor, and up 'till then had been a statement of suffering, of enduring.  now was given the time to transform the tenor, embrace the storm through my ferocious devotion to loving grace, and to be liberated in this embrace.  now was the time for "naked in the storm" to be carnal grace, original passion, primal healing.  joy.

first softly the rain began to fall, pattering frigid against me, and the current of cold that rushed through me took my breath, began to draw the blood in from the edges of my form towards my heart.  where the rain touched, my skin contracted.  the spaces between kisses was warm and still expanded, so a wondrous undulation of temperature flowed and flowered through my skin.  i stood still on the plateau as the storm enveloped me until a rhythm grew up through my feet into my body and moved me into dance with sky, earth, elements, self.  

then ferociously the rain began to beat down in thunderous sheets.  i ran, leapt, twirled, jumped, danced in its raging tide.  i laughed insanely and innocently.  i howled and called the animal kin in their own voices.  screaming a fierce and guttural scream, i purged the poison that had been churned by the weeks of trial, endowing it to the storm who took it with honored grace and swept it away over the plains.  then i sang, weaving the tale of becoming into the universe as the clouds moved across the sky, and in that way that only the earth can love you, a  rainbow began to grow.  as the storm rolled over me, and as i screamed and danced, the rainbow grew to arc perfectly across the sky, a whole crescent of spectral beauty, drawing me into its magical portal of transformation.

another of michie's gifts.

i screamed a name into that great arc of creation, and the call came back from across the plains.  as i raised my voice, my prayers, my becoming into the golden storm now almost passed over me, the coyote clan raised their song in solidarity.  i could hear in their tones that there were big beauties and little new babies, and they were singing with me, welcoming me to their hearth, witnessing my journey.  then, as i lowered my arms back down towards the earth, the thunder rolled in closing, blessed my ceremony, and completed my circle.

dripping wet, naked and noticing that i was very cold, i went back to my bundle, unwrapped it from its protection (raincoat!  what a miracle) and re-arrived in to the tangible world through the portal of my clothing.  my hands had that thick, not-quite-functional feeling of freeze, so i held them in my armpits as i wandered around the base of the mesa back towards my little red time-machine.

the light was slowly vanishing from the land, the sky moving more steadily in its progression from wild golden fire to muted prussian blue.  distantly the thunder of divine council rolled across the land in the contours of the storm, traveling to nourish and inspire the earth and its creatures.  wet desert has a smell that is the beginning and end of the world.  it is the most grateful, rapturous, joyous, sensual, blissful scent that could ever bless the senses.  it rose around me every step i took towards the regular world, soaking into the olfactory sense of my being, into the energetic signature of my soul as a perfect romance, as a guide, a gift, a remembrance.  

i am a desert child.  she dances for my joy and i sing for her pleasure.  we are kin, symbiotic and devoted to our love and its fulfillment.  

this is the joy of place.  

the truth of love.  

the beauty of being.

this is what matters.