bedside wonderings

the summer sun is slanting now into the horizon more deeply, the breathy sigh of the frolicking lover resting a little more deeply into the curves of the beloveds arms.  we are all settling towards the internal now, though we may yet to know it.  august draws to a close with the fanfare of a lazy month, waving a noisemaker, but slowly.  or perhaps that's just me, hazy as i am with these weeks of hashish and lovers.

i'm okay with that.

but aeray asked me yesterday, as we were in our deep sister drop-in, what are all these powerful men in my life about?  and i've thought about that a lot lately, being and observing myself in relation to them.  they are about so much, things i can see and things i can't, things that i know and ways that are inscrutable and mysterious, yet to be revealed.  kings and emperors, and i the eternal priestess.  it seems so much of this journey is my body and where it lays with whom, but there is more to be revealed, not the least to me.

that's at least an aspect of the crux with these epic men - the danger of suffusing into their journeys, and the invitation to fully actualize my own.  they are so powerful!  they have done so much!  they have molded the world with their will, by the energy of their fires, and their potency is a gift to me, to support my own becoming.  but i am such a kitty.  i just like the potency, i'd lay there in it all day.  but no, there is stuff to do, my stuff.  and now the time to do it.

so that's been the question for me these past two days as i've extracted my clarity consciousness from my indulgent transdimensionality - what am i here to do?  i'm not asking in the way of not being clear about that, but in the way of noticing how comfortably and easily i wander from my own actualization into the beds of beauties.  i'm so venus.

album.

ritual. 

lovesong project.

money.

art.

dance.

laughter.

support mama.

serve reality.

there, once more.  

for the eyes of all

and the souls of me.

 

love love love

eye

illumine

i came to the incubation castle, this white shrine in the oak groves of ancient magic, with my heart in my hands as a brilliant gemstone, polished by years, glimmering magic, forged by fire, indestructible. i am one with the essence of all creation, for all creation is the essential one, no aye nada otra. perfection. the gifts of my anguish have been an ellucidation of my joys so translucent, opalescent, so vast in their boddhi universal tonality, that i revel and soar in this newly dawned sky as a raptor of ten thousand wings, brushing clear the stories of time with my grace. and for this, to the source i may come purified. i am renewed, the vestal virgin whose body is the principle of eternal generation. i am the temple and the priestess. we are the night sky in which all the stars may dance. gallaxies are woven in the spirals carved by my hands flowing in the open space of being, the universal song is the dance of my purity. sung through me, for me, with me, the symphonic of creation in love with its own art. and each are one note in the symphony. all the notes must sing if the symphony is to be full. the only silence is artistic silence, woven into the fabric of the creation by intent of grace. there is no hiding unless it is ones part to hide. all the devils will out to play round the fire this night, and the boughs of ancient trees will whip with mad abandon in the cleansing wind of god's laughter, breaking the starlight into grand patterns as it filters down through the boughs to the wondering eyes of the wild creatures. is it really that mythic? yes. your body in my arms is the folding of great rivers into my open heart, the hearth on which i will set your glass and pour into it my essence. amrita, the gift. drink from me, for i am the fountain. into this union i dive as that great shining raptor, sinewy through the open air, intent. it is the joyous plunge into silky emerald waves of the caress of renewal consciousness. we are each the fountain of eternal life, the tree of life, the garden of eden. we must feast on each others fruit to fulfill the vision of original delineation. for why to separate from eternity if not for the pleasure of communion? in all these ways, we serve. how we commune is a constant choice of attenuation. what am i creating by this communion? what am i writing into the akashic records by this choice? revel in all choices. wisdom is attention. this is freedom

essential wisdom

there is no "out there"

or "in here".

there only Is. 

the deciding factor is me.

becoming

so here i am, sitting in a coffee shop in weaverville, california, on a bright and hot monday afternoon, sipping a cappuccino and eating chocolate after having come out of the latest faery magic forest zone to take me in for a night.  

no seriously, i was where?  the land is so rich for me here, it blows me open as a burst of light cracked the shell of creation and pushed everything that exists into the ethers, making "matter" and "space".  i'm five hours from san francisco and five hours from the coast, deep in the tall pines and steep angles of the shasta-trinity national forest.  i lived here through the winter with my lover, and haven't been here since march, but whoa.  it's amazing to be back.  the time that i spent here before was some of the most activated, clear, potent time of purifying the filter and shining the light of my life.  i was studying, making love and practicing.  all of these things being deep passions in my life, they all flowed into the magnificent in their incarnation, but even still, an essential gelling was not there.  that specific, special something that tunes something from the pretty to the gorgeous.  that tuning has been singing and singing in my reality evermore since having come to this place (indeed, it is the progression of years, of the whole stretch of my life).  now that i am returned with a new, independent invitation and therefore a grounded empowerment in my place here, the whole symphony is singing.  i am no longer here on the invitation of a mercurial love situation, i am here at the invitation of the land itself, of its stewards, and the invitation is in the vein of stewardship.  there is somewhere with a place for me, and it has called me specifically home in the brightest and clearest way.

so we see.  there is much to being here in this land, and i am experiencing something equally interesting playing out over time in this era of my experience.  

i must stay on the move.   i must remain in this wondrous tension between the deeply rootedness of being-in-place and the absolute autonomy of being-in-all-places.  this is a time for dropping in deeply with the warrior allies and forging our bonds on the brown grit of the land, the soft embrace of leaves and the gentle healing song of birds and wind in ancient trees.  the whole world is opening the golden clamshell to me, and all i have to do to enjoy the richness of it is receive it with open hands, light feet and a soft and gracious spirit.   

i'm so glad i love my car.  we will be spending quite a lot more time together than i had thought.

the kin are emerging from the sea of faces that is this world in which i move.  sitting with my new brother this morning, i was able to so fully embrace the beauty of his immersion in the world through the lens of our polarized ways - he is alchemizing immersed, and i am alchemizing in the spirit realms.  it was amazing to experience, sitting across a table from each other feeling the whole scope of archetype stretched out and activated between the pillars that we grounded at the extremities of the energetic.  what a trip, this journey of living between realms of existence.  the spirit is so close on that land, on this land, in this forest...  a dragonfly landed on my fingertip as i stretched my wet hand up towards the sun beside the mystical immersion sanctuary this morning.  a hawk landed on the bough above my head just as i opened my eyes on the spot this morning.  she sat there, beholding me with her tail twitching and her head moving around as if to gather different perspectives on my auric field.  yesterday, first witting with the sacred bath, the recently gifted song of power flowed through me so mercilessly, so joyously, i trembled for an hour afterward, my molecules stretched and elated at the growth.  pure divine channel, babay.  the presence of spirit kin of the highest caliber nourishes, pushes, expresses me, and all i have to do is be exactly as i am for all the doors of heaven to open, and for all the angels of creation to emerge from those open doors.

so, my beloveds, i offer you this.

whatever your dreams, desires and pure drives of your spirit rest yearning within you, invoke them from beyond the veil into reality.  write them down, if need, everyday.  speak them aloud, dream about them, dance and sing them into being.  hold them clearly in your mind and with diligence and patience keep at the magic.  i swear, it all shall come.  persist.  dedicate.  create.  dedicreate.  be the light that you wish to feel shining on you and it shall, indeed, shine.  always remember your loves, draw them forth from the sea of potential and be what you are in this world with all systems go.  

creation dreams of only this, and it is dreaming this through you.

en la'kesh, familia.  

eye 

have love, will travel

resting here in the homespace that i carved out for myself in my dreams, i am awash in the energetic turbulence of reality interfacing with fantasies and potentialities.  the stars shine brightly overhead as the bells ring in the ancient oak groves, swaying in the breeze that blows the pine tree tops against each other to make that rustling love sound that so defines the forest and nourishes the soul.  this early cool of evening settles my skin which has been ravished in the heat and activity of the day - the emotional journey ever unfolding as one steps into and out of proximity with the mystery of being and the mystery of loving.  the human field is simplified, i am alone with my thoughts and my feelings, my heart, my spirit and my mind.  i am alone with this story, and wondering what i am doing here.

i am learning about unconditional love. 

there's this luscious, spectacularly  complex and fully formed scenario that the universe and choice has dropped me into the middle of, and i am inclined to recoil from it as much as i am hot to immerse in it.  i have seen it like this - there is a place to which i am called and wanting to go, and it rests, shining in golden sunlight, on the other side of a storm that rages right before me.  the place is ready for me, calling through me, inviting me, and it is where i want to and need to go.  but the storm makes me nervous.  it's not that i think i couldn't make it through, it's that i know that the passage will be anything but easy.  i do not believe it will be a  long journey, but i have not quite got all my gear for passage yet.  the time is not quite right.  so, for now, i sit with the storm and look at the light beyond, feeling into my mild chill and my nakedness, knowing that i will cross when the impulse is clear and the time is right.

not sooner and no later than this.

there is a great work to be done to liberate love from the slavery of fear.  i am in this work, amongst other works, and it is good work.  the opportunity feels so important and so real...  so strange.  there is such an inclination to retreat into myself, to curl up around what has already been wounded in me and make sure that no light and no air touches those raw nerves.  but i know that healing is in the oxygen that fows over the surface and suffuses the cells.  i know that healing is in sitting upright with that discomfort and loving it, loving myself, until it changes.  because all things change.  isn't that the thing that we know the most?  that all things change?  we hold on to love so fiercely, holding it in place, holding it in our hearts, holding the body that represents the principle for us.  holding so much, hoping that it will never change.  but love is of the bird tribe, love is wings and feathers and the soft body in powerful flight.  love only thrives in freedom.  and we are only truly experiencing love if we are in the mode of freedom with it.  if we are grasping, holding, owning, then we are not loving, we are fearing.  we are fearing the loss of the external thing that makes our internal reality feel whole.  

so there's my (simple yet profoundly difficult) learning endowment.  i am not full in love within myself, so when i engage love in the world, i grasp it with the fear of loss.  i can feel the vacancy in my body right now because i touched into love and then it left again.  i am experiencing the machanations of my mind as it works to turn the story into more pain for my pain-body.  and i experience the moments of radical liberation when i actually rest in the expansive nature of true love, and feel that there is love within me that is all the love of creation, just as there is that love within everyone.

i am everything i need.  i am the love of creation.  i am the light of truth.  i am grace, wisdom power, beauty and freedom.  

this is the essence, yes?  this is all that matters.  when even one of us is balanced into total integrity, the whole field is brought closer to integrity.  i have a new innerstanding of integrity, of its nature, that drives me evermore towards that as a goal of being.  one cannot be in partial integrity, for that is not integrity by definition.  one can recognize the ways in which one is harmonized to the radiant truth essence within, and bring evermore of the self into that harmony which, when fully tuned, will be integrity.

we can all do this work.  we must all do this work.  there is truth in the idea that our survival depends on it.

let's do it.