seeded for something

brilliantly a half-moon lights the snow covered ground in blue
and the quiet winds of the high desert mountains are clarifying in that way that only sub-zero can be
there's a special beauty to a night tending the fire
nursing the tea-cup
and learning beautiful songs from cultures which i have never seen in this life
but whose tones and topographies i know in my bones

we have shifted on our axis again and the day lasted a light kiss longer
than the ones before
the arbitrary "5:30" of tonight san that brilliant cobalt still fading into the star-studded black
where yesterday it was "an hour" earlier.

i wouldn't know the difference for the clock
but i know the quickening of my blood towards the sun
and the emergence of my spirit from it's shell

i still yearn for the cave
but not in pain
for the pleasure
of simplicity.

this life is such an awesome and strange experience
of mediating the relationship between the terrestrial and the transcendent
they are the threads from which life is woven into a beautiful blanket
that becomes the heirloom passed in mythology
to the coming ones
and offered as an homage
to the ones already gone
it is the blanket i fold before the altar
to kneel on in prayer
it is the blanket i wrap this body in at night
for dreaming
it is the blanket that shelters me from the wind
the cold
the sun
and loneliness

i know i am god
i know i am beauty
i know i am horrible
i love it all
because i am the universe unfolding
dancing its miraculous dance with itself.

and none of it could be without my magic
and yours
through the window i hear coyote howling
and i hear them scatter as my feet touch the ground
they tease me
remembering what i have yet to learn
they remember for me
because we are one

the only reason the great glory of unity delineated
was to relate.

so here we go.

lift the anchor

i go to the well
draw up from its depths a blessd cup of rememberance
and pour its crystaline beauty into my carved cup
so that i may drink deep these replenishing waters
and be healed

i am well
i am wonder-filled
but i am not quite whole.
i feel that because i have touched god within
and i know what free love is, how it feels and that it's not always here
i have called back so much of my scattered soul
from the winds that have spread it far and wide
i have placed it all on a special altar that ebbs and flows into and out of this world
i have begun to sew it back together

and i am still sewing

these are new threads that i bind my being with now
and there are new parts
ancient
quarried from the same spirit land as the self that i have travelled thus far with
but shining differently

i giggle over these crystals like a child
or a crow
i am both

the aeon.

this world is a horrible wonder of beauty
and i am working to re-wire myself so that i can hold all of this dissonance
serve and relish
be angry without being destroyed
be joyous in full wisdom
find my teacher and streamline my education
so that i can become what i am in time for it's application

is every life this strange and wonderful?

i'm here in the world outside again.
you know what i mean. or you don't. that's fine.
i'm in council with the "rest" of creation, serving with the brilliance of my love-heart
and all my tools are to test now
and even this, just barely.
we ain't seen nothin' yet.
i had said, bring it on. i meant it when i said it.
now i say, wait just a moment. the moon is so heavy in me and my heart is learning a new language.
we're quick, but not immediate.
i just want to see the wolves before the wheel turns towards the underworld.
for just a while i want to live with them.
then i can live or die in peace.

so i set down my comforts now
and go to their homes
this human world is a second home for me.
and my first home
is an unknown terrain
whose contours call me in dreams

i am coming.
i am coming.
it may be a minute.
but i am coming.

drawing up

drinking from the crystal cup of remembering
i am heaving against a long life of dissociation
the survival strategy of a savagely empathic child
working to reconnect the circuits of my heart and consciousness
so that the world
in all it's glory and horror
can flood in
and i can answer the calls that cry through my cells
with a true motion.

it's been a while.

i used to be awake in a way
of rage
in a way of anger and hatred
blame and poison
the love that had borne through the womb with me
was dissolved in a dejected sadness
by an awareness
that my youth could not cradle in options
and i painted my hardened shell with flat black and toxic red
daring anything to touch me
biting what did
though when i laid into the arms of love
i would lay so heavy and hard
that they would almost break
and need, to care for themselves,
eventually
to lay me down

and i would be broken again.

and when i had finally smashed all that life had offered to me
in a vituperative, impotent, self-righteous and lost rage
i sat in the wreckage
weeping
before i cast myself out to sea
looking for death to take me
or for life to breathe again within me.

yes.

i died.
and i rested in the other worlds of fusion
then i dreamt a new dream
and set forth to re-emerge into life.
i cooked and cultivated in the womb
and was born

and now i am me
a miraculous child of phenomenal wisdom
audacious
a bit naieve
a bit brilliant
a bit uncertain
and a bit hungry

at the threshold again
and wondering
but now i know not to be powered by thinking
or the workings of the mind
but rather
to be powered by the love of the heart
to be gracious with my pace and persistent with my considerations
until the fruit of their beauty can reveal itself to me
and i can walk a path laid out for my feet alone through these woods that i know so well.

reconnect the circuits
and let the passions of the world direct me towards my station in their complexity
how is the wisdom that i carry best employed in the world?
where can i best be of service, thriving and flourishing for the benefit of all?
how do i serve my wolf kin with the gifts of my dance and my voice?
how do i serve in shifting the consciousness of my human family so that they remember to love the earth
to love each other,
to love themselves?
this already i do, but in a one-on-one way which i love
but which i feel is not enough in this moment.
there is more
there is more
there is more
now is the time

time to go to the silence of the mountain.
to know in remembering
what the soul has coded itself to accomplish in this life.

silence. stillness. solitude.

yes.

i am born again.