have love, will travel

resting here in the homespace that i carved out for myself in my dreams, i am awash in the energetic turbulence of reality interfacing with fantasies and potentialities.  the stars shine brightly overhead as the bells ring in the ancient oak groves, swaying in the breeze that blows the pine tree tops against each other to make that rustling love sound that so defines the forest and nourishes the soul.  this early cool of evening settles my skin which has been ravished in the heat and activity of the day - the emotional journey ever unfolding as one steps into and out of proximity with the mystery of being and the mystery of loving.  the human field is simplified, i am alone with my thoughts and my feelings, my heart, my spirit and my mind.  i am alone with this story, and wondering what i am doing here.

i am learning about unconditional love. 

there's this luscious, spectacularly  complex and fully formed scenario that the universe and choice has dropped me into the middle of, and i am inclined to recoil from it as much as i am hot to immerse in it.  i have seen it like this - there is a place to which i am called and wanting to go, and it rests, shining in golden sunlight, on the other side of a storm that rages right before me.  the place is ready for me, calling through me, inviting me, and it is where i want to and need to go.  but the storm makes me nervous.  it's not that i think i couldn't make it through, it's that i know that the passage will be anything but easy.  i do not believe it will be a  long journey, but i have not quite got all my gear for passage yet.  the time is not quite right.  so, for now, i sit with the storm and look at the light beyond, feeling into my mild chill and my nakedness, knowing that i will cross when the impulse is clear and the time is right.

not sooner and no later than this.

there is a great work to be done to liberate love from the slavery of fear.  i am in this work, amongst other works, and it is good work.  the opportunity feels so important and so real...  so strange.  there is such an inclination to retreat into myself, to curl up around what has already been wounded in me and make sure that no light and no air touches those raw nerves.  but i know that healing is in the oxygen that fows over the surface and suffuses the cells.  i know that healing is in sitting upright with that discomfort and loving it, loving myself, until it changes.  because all things change.  isn't that the thing that we know the most?  that all things change?  we hold on to love so fiercely, holding it in place, holding it in our hearts, holding the body that represents the principle for us.  holding so much, hoping that it will never change.  but love is of the bird tribe, love is wings and feathers and the soft body in powerful flight.  love only thrives in freedom.  and we are only truly experiencing love if we are in the mode of freedom with it.  if we are grasping, holding, owning, then we are not loving, we are fearing.  we are fearing the loss of the external thing that makes our internal reality feel whole.  

so there's my (simple yet profoundly difficult) learning endowment.  i am not full in love within myself, so when i engage love in the world, i grasp it with the fear of loss.  i can feel the vacancy in my body right now because i touched into love and then it left again.  i am experiencing the machanations of my mind as it works to turn the story into more pain for my pain-body.  and i experience the moments of radical liberation when i actually rest in the expansive nature of true love, and feel that there is love within me that is all the love of creation, just as there is that love within everyone.

i am everything i need.  i am the love of creation.  i am the light of truth.  i am grace, wisdom power, beauty and freedom.  

this is the essence, yes?  this is all that matters.  when even one of us is balanced into total integrity, the whole field is brought closer to integrity.  i have a new innerstanding of integrity, of its nature, that drives me evermore towards that as a goal of being.  one cannot be in partial integrity, for that is not integrity by definition.  one can recognize the ways in which one is harmonized to the radiant truth essence within, and bring evermore of the self into that harmony which, when fully tuned, will be integrity.

we can all do this work.  we must all do this work.  there is truth in the idea that our survival depends on it.

let's do it.