there is a strange peace in the immediate dissolution of my trajectory. i sit in the space created, thinking with myself, "mm-hmm. i wonder...". and that is the best thing to do. it is one of these wonder}full moments of being able to rest in the desert and chart the course of reality anew.
i had a plan. now i have options. i had a lover. now i have my whole self (and suitors. the universe loves to keep it spicy). i had a plan. now i have whole new volumes of self-awareness to integrate. life continues to swirl and dance as does the plumage of the cottonwood in this evenings impending storms and their wind. the sweet scent of rain blows freely in every direction, all things kinetic in the brilliant electricity of the desert becoming fertile. it is a beauty profound, this loving eros between the earth and the sky. it moves my tears, my joy, my heart and body to rapture.
new realities to metabolize...
sexuality and relationship - indeed, reality - defy defnition. every kinnexion is a world and a reality unto itself, and every kinnexion invites a new dance with self and other. we all have the condition of attempting to classify for eternity our movements and modalities in the third dimension because it takes energy ( lots of it!) to constantly hold open if the field if that is an active learning curve for you. for some people it's not. for my former lover, that is a natural mode. he does not embrace situational definition. he does get ideas about himself that get fixed where he is still fluid, but he also seems to recognize that relatively soon and shift the concept to embrace the reality. it is one of the more fascinating things about him, and one of the more challenging things about him when one is attempting to cultivate intimacy with him. i've learned, in this past week of process around our polyamorous agreements, that i have had ideas in place about myself that do not match or serve the truth of my being. i took protocols from other endeavors and attempted to apply them to this one. of course, they didn't fit. i have been invited into a re-assessment of my truth through the portal of this struggle. it's been amazing. the thing that i am learning more than anything is that there is no fixed structure of reality. there is no codex that universally applies. there is only the fluctuation of being and the awesome opportunity that we have to hold the whole spectrum of reality in the vessel of the human experience.
all this week, i hurt. just aching. i would wake up crying, cry during the day, had to process it constantly with myself and whoever was holding space for me, the whole nine. and i didn't want to embrace the simplest and most complex of possible explanations for that - i had an IDEA in place, and i wanted to conform my emotional and spiritual reality into that idea, because i had already decided that that idea was the Right Way To Be. i had already made such a position about it that i felt like i had to own it and not be bothered by anything that my idea said should be okay. the only problem being that i was bothered. super fucking bothered. i hit a threshold after a week where i crossed from being hurt to being pissed off, and made the curious choice to call him from that space. it was unfortunate in the way that i couldn't own what my anger was, and i projected it onto him, trying to find some way that he was wrong. really, i was angry because i'd just been hurting for a week and had shit to show for it - he certainly wasn't here to hold me, and i wasn't being as fully present to my reality as i like to be because of that. i hate that. especially when it's because of a man. fuck all that. so i lashed out at him instead of realizing what was really going on, and he lashed back at me because he felt attacked. totally understandable. and equally interesting. it was fascinating to me to perceive how he responded to me in that moment - he escalated the conflict by throwing out shit that he'd suppressed as deflective ammunition. there were things that had happened that had bothered him, but he'd never addressed, that got thrown at me in that moment. so interesting! his whole thing is clear communication, and so is mine. we both failed our respective principles in that way, because of not acknowledging realities in our beings that didn't fit the ideas that we hold about how we show up in life.
i'm fascinated more than sad at this moment. i had a moment of absolute clarity toward the end of our conversation that there was enough that wasn't in alignment for me in that kinnexion that it was the most reasonable choice to let it go. so we did. there it goes. he made an interesting analogy about a kite in the wind, and that's what it felt like. that's what it still feels like. and while i have felt my sadness, i have no regret, because that feeling is wonderful. i didn't realize how bound i felt until i didn't feel bound anymore. and it's not because of him, it's because i was binding myself into a meme that wasn't genuine for me. my love for him is genuine, my desire for partnership with him was not genuine. that was a program that got tripped. and that really fascinates me, because that means there was a whole theater going on in my mind that isn't grounded in truth. that's what my real curiosity is - what's going on in my mind that isn't real, and why am i having a hard time seeing it? but now the theater is neutralized and i am sitting in fullness with myself working to dissolve the veils that hang between me and my truth. that's fucking awesome.
it's about my relationship with men, not with him. he's archetypal, and i have work to do. and when the right situation arises for interpersonal engagement to be the way for that work to continue, i will know. check, check - thank you, life, universe and self, for how i'm showing up for my own process. that is much more important to think about than engaging with a third dimensional creature at this point in my journey (though i am grateful for the one that showed up yesterday. yummy). i have more pertinent questions to work with than who's cuddling who.
how do i best continue to fulfill my essential truth in this life journey?
where am i going to do this work?
what does it look like?
who are my allies in this work?
sexuality and relationship - indeed, reality - defy defnition. every kinnexion is a world and a reality unto itself, and every kinnexion invites a new dance with self and other. we all have the condition of attempting to classify for eternity our movements and modalities in the third dimension because it takes energy ( lots of it!) to constantly hold open if the field if that is an active learning curve for you. for some people it's not. for my former lover, that is a natural mode. he does not embrace situational definition. he does get ideas about himself that get fixed where he is still fluid, but he also seems to recognize that relatively soon and shift the concept to embrace the reality. it is one of the more fascinating things about him, and one of the more challenging things about him when one is attempting to cultivate intimacy with him. i've learned, in this past week of process around our polyamorous agreements, that i have had ideas in place about myself that do not match or serve the truth of my being. i took protocols from other endeavors and attempted to apply them to this one. of course, they didn't fit. i have been invited into a re-assessment of my truth through the portal of this struggle. it's been amazing. the thing that i am learning more than anything is that there is no fixed structure of reality. there is no codex that universally applies. there is only the fluctuation of being and the awesome opportunity that we have to hold the whole spectrum of reality in the vessel of the human experience.
all this week, i hurt. just aching. i would wake up crying, cry during the day, had to process it constantly with myself and whoever was holding space for me, the whole nine. and i didn't want to embrace the simplest and most complex of possible explanations for that - i had an IDEA in place, and i wanted to conform my emotional and spiritual reality into that idea, because i had already decided that that idea was the Right Way To Be. i had already made such a position about it that i felt like i had to own it and not be bothered by anything that my idea said should be okay. the only problem being that i was bothered. super fucking bothered. i hit a threshold after a week where i crossed from being hurt to being pissed off, and made the curious choice to call him from that space. it was unfortunate in the way that i couldn't own what my anger was, and i projected it onto him, trying to find some way that he was wrong. really, i was angry because i'd just been hurting for a week and had shit to show for it - he certainly wasn't here to hold me, and i wasn't being as fully present to my reality as i like to be because of that. i hate that. especially when it's because of a man. fuck all that. so i lashed out at him instead of realizing what was really going on, and he lashed back at me because he felt attacked. totally understandable. and equally interesting. it was fascinating to me to perceive how he responded to me in that moment - he escalated the conflict by throwing out shit that he'd suppressed as deflective ammunition. there were things that had happened that had bothered him, but he'd never addressed, that got thrown at me in that moment. so interesting! his whole thing is clear communication, and so is mine. we both failed our respective principles in that way, because of not acknowledging realities in our beings that didn't fit the ideas that we hold about how we show up in life.
i'm fascinated more than sad at this moment. i had a moment of absolute clarity toward the end of our conversation that there was enough that wasn't in alignment for me in that kinnexion that it was the most reasonable choice to let it go. so we did. there it goes. he made an interesting analogy about a kite in the wind, and that's what it felt like. that's what it still feels like. and while i have felt my sadness, i have no regret, because that feeling is wonderful. i didn't realize how bound i felt until i didn't feel bound anymore. and it's not because of him, it's because i was binding myself into a meme that wasn't genuine for me. my love for him is genuine, my desire for partnership with him was not genuine. that was a program that got tripped. and that really fascinates me, because that means there was a whole theater going on in my mind that isn't grounded in truth. that's what my real curiosity is - what's going on in my mind that isn't real, and why am i having a hard time seeing it? but now the theater is neutralized and i am sitting in fullness with myself working to dissolve the veils that hang between me and my truth. that's fucking awesome.
it's about my relationship with men, not with him. he's archetypal, and i have work to do. and when the right situation arises for interpersonal engagement to be the way for that work to continue, i will know. check, check - thank you, life, universe and self, for how i'm showing up for my own process. that is much more important to think about than engaging with a third dimensional creature at this point in my journey (though i am grateful for the one that showed up yesterday. yummy). i have more pertinent questions to work with than who's cuddling who.
how do i best continue to fulfill my essential truth in this life journey?
where am i going to do this work?
what does it look like?
who are my allies in this work?
what are the ways in which i engage in the retarding practice of linearalizing expansive reality for the sake of comfort?
how do i encourage that same retardation in the relationships that i begin?
what are the programs that i'm running and living that have no basis in my personal truth?
these and so much more...
i feel as if i am poised on the event horizon of creation, taut between the infinite and the tangible. i feel the whole birthing of creation sizzling in my veins, a brillinat star fire of freedom and form. i am born anew, again, through the forge of experience.
i feel as if i am poised on the event horizon of creation, taut between the infinite and the tangible. i feel the whole birthing of creation sizzling in my veins, a brillinat star fire of freedom and form. i am born anew, again, through the forge of experience.
it never ceases to amaze me that i exist in this dimension with knowledge and relationship of all the other dimensions living in my being. how does that work? the veils are so thin, merely sensual play, ever available for pulling aside. they don't resist - a veil is inherently light. it's very nature invites it's movement, and the expansion of vision between worlds.
hallelujah!
may it serve....
hallelujah!
may it serve....
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